Day 13

Day 13 : Weather: Fine

Its been almost 2 weeks now since I last told J how I felt. And today we talked again and I told J I gave him time to think about us and is it worth it that we give it another try. I do not know at this stage if J consider of the time Ive given him. At some point he tells me he will think about it and at some point he ask me to move on. Im having such a mixed feeling and I dont know wat to do. I wish he take the time to think about us and about everything else. Why cant we give it another try?

I only left 3weeks here in melbourne and whatever I can do, I will do now even if it will take me another heartbreak once again but I dont care because I love J very much that if he ask me to die for him I will. And thats the extend of my love for him, be it before and even now.

A few days back, i was shopping alone for my cny clothing and tears start to fall again...same time last 2 years we both will go get cny stuff together. I would be the one choosing the colour of his undies for him and we would walk hand in hand buying those things together and choosing clothes for one another. But this year is different, Im walking alone and the silence I have is so pain that it felt like a million knife stab my heart over and over again. As I walked through the men's department, without thinking I went to buy stuff for J. I know its silly and crazy but to me cny is all about new things to usher the new year to have proporous year ahead. And because again of love, I decided to get those things for him so that he will have a new good year ahead. But when I texted him, he say he cannot accept it. My heart fall down and get step on again and I finally convince him to take it.

I havent gave him the things Ive bought, but how come Im so silly? How come with the amount of coldness he treats me yet I still miss him and love him as if none of those words affected me? Is this what I have to endure in love? Sigh....I really do not know at this point. All I can do is do be patient and wait for his answer and do as much as I can before I leave to melbourne where I would be paralyze and do nothing but wait another 4months till I return.

Im afraid to see him even how much my heart and mind wants to see him dearly. Im afraid when I c him, I cant help bt to cry again and wish that he will hug me and tell me those 3 impossible words. I dont think he cares for me anymore, but why do I still wait? For wat? Another heartache? Guess I deserve it. Sigh.

Yet another day without J by myside.

-S-

Day 12

Day 12 : Weather: Sunny

Bad headache today. I drank heaps yesterday thanks to the bunch of lovely friends but now am suffering....blah!. I hate hangovers. Whenver I get this, I only think about COKE!. It was the first time C joined my friends yesterday and it all went well. But when I sat there, all I could think of is...If only J was here to drink and have fun with me and my friends once again. Ive so much to tell him so much to say and gossip to J....bt J hates me. And then some idiot sang "Always be my baby" and yes no need to guess.....I cried haih.....When will this heartache be over?

I told J tht I will give him time to think about us and if its worth a second chance. I really miss J and thats all Ive been thinking for the past 7months. I think it came to a point my frens dun want to listen me talking about J anymore. Im gonna give J time because I love him so no matter how hard it maybe, i will try my all. Ive made a promise before and as long as I can take this, I will wait for J's return. He doesnt know how much I love him and waited the right time to tell him all this things Ive been keeping for the last 7months. I knew tht I was so far away, J wouldnt listen to me at tht point and Im sure he hated me like hell. Thats why i choose to come back to kl and find the right time to tell him. I hope he thinks about it. I know its not easy to get him back this time and the chances are very very thin. But I will try my all as long as I can and I hope it can be given a second chance.

Yet another sad day has passed by without J by myside.

-S-

Day 11

Day 11: Weather: Sunny & Rain

Tday after so long Ive got to talk to J for half an hour or so. Really makes me miss him even more. We spoke on a couple of things but one things for sure that made me upset was. J thinks that if we get back together this time, he would still be him. And no that didnt upset me, what upset me was he thinks that I fall for him because of something else. Doesnt he knows that I loved him for him? For how simple his attitude, lifestyle and life is? The day I met J, I know he's someone tht is simple and no doubt with my constant complain, I did try to do the things he liked. But I guess J never sees that. He thinks Im full of colour and want him tht way too but he doesnt know is that I would rather do the things together at home than going out. Maybe after so long he doesnt know me that well.

And another thing he said was tht how come now only I wanna go his house bt when we were together I didnt wanna go. Still he doesnt know is tht if I go over his place he has to drive me home after tht and its not safe for me to drive myself home after midnight. So instead of making him driving me home, might aswell come over my place and stay over. Doesnt he knows I was being considerate of his tiredness and knowing he has to go to work the next day? If I could stay over at his place, i think many of you will know that I would stay over at his place. Sigh.

Right now, whatever I say or do, I dont think he will ever know because he has stopped loving me. And why foolishly Im still doing stuff? You see, when you love someone soo deep, it doesnt matter that person hates you or disgust by you, you would still in your little own ways do things for them as long as you can no doubt it hurts like hell that person doesnt care.

I was so sad today than i drove and stopped near the side of the road and started crying. Then my phone rang and I tot it was J but when I took the phone I saw it was C. Imediately C knew I was crying and told me to drive home and he'll wait for me. So I drove home and 5mins after dat C came. I told C not to come coz he was busy preparing for his project proposal tmw morning but he insist of coming. He then came and ask me to wipe my tears and touch up my make up and ask me to get in the car. I hesitate for 15mins and finally I said ok.

In the car I asked him where is he taking me, He said he's taking me somewhere where I can throw all my heartache away. After much winding up the hill, I saw this hill that has a restaurant on top of it. Came down from the car and he took me below the restaurant. The scenery was breath taking and it blew me away. So I sat there and C told me to tell him wat happen. When I look at the scenery of KL, my heart aches for J and wishing that J would be beside me to c this. Than I got interupted by C voice.....and then slowly I told him bits and pieces of what me and J talked about and again started crying. He told me that all I need is time and he hope that J would realise how beautiful I am to him than I laughed and said 'if J thinks im beautiful that would be the day I would be married to J".

C is a real nice guy and why am I not falling for him? He has everything Ive been looking for but how come I still miss and love J so much? C says that he can tell that I really love J alot and that usually after few months people would move on but how come I cant? He also says that whatever I do, all I can think about was....How J is? Is he ok? Hows his work? Is he ok? And then C say that he would give up everything to be in J's shoe right now....and I say....maybe once u know me and see that im whinny and protective than u wouldnt want to be in his shoes. C laughed. But all I could think about was J. Its been 4months since I knew C and yet of many things he had done for me to show that he cares....all I ever think about was J and wishing and hoping J would come back to me.

J say that if there is faith, then faith will lead us back together someday. And for me yes faith does come but if you do not know how to catch it, it will fade. Like when I first talked to J was when I send a smiley message to him on friendster and he replied. It shows faith is always around us, bt if we dont initiate to do anything about it, it doesnt matter a million faith comes along, it will never happen.

I wish I could spend another valentines with J. When I think about it, it hurts because I know J would be spending it with someone else instead of me.
Yet another day without J by my side.

-S-

Day 10

Day 10: Weather : Sunny

Today woke up feeling abit of a mix feeling today. Good thing is J starting to text back my messages. I wonder if it is a good small baby step. Or Im just lebih perasan. I wonder if J still reads my blog? If he does than I shud be damn MALU la...coz i write possibly everything in this blog. I should have a personal journal now. But I dont think he does anymore....so dun care la.

C took me out yesterday. Was abit down but he managed to cheer me up. But to be honest, nothing cheers me up more when J text me. Its like Im living on cloud 9 for awhile. I shouldnt be so overly joyed like this...Sam stop it!

Anyways I hurted my ankle while doing aerobics today but luckily still can walk. If not sure habis...bt now cannot wear heels for sure. Owh and btw Ive started on this salad and no rice diet and ive drop 2kg. So far....now im starting aerobics...hopefully I will lose more for CNY.

Gonna go for happy hour tonite with my gals in pavillion. Hopefully it would buy me some time to not think about J. I sincerely miss him dearly.

Today is yet another day without J beside me.....Sigh

-S-

Day 9

Day 9: Weather: Fine with a bit gloomy.

I have come to a point I have no reason to call J anymore. Each time I call or text him, its either a " Sure thanks" or " Dont worry about me" but nothing on his side to care for me anymore. Each morning I wake up the first thing I do is I think about him and what to text him and dont expect anything in return. Each time when the clock strike 1pm, I know he's having his lunch. And then the hardest part of all is when the clock hits 530pm. Those were the times that he would call me and we would discuss what we will do that evening. Either he'll come and fetch me and we go his place or he would come to mine and stay over the night. Those 6months without him was the hardest I have to go through even now. Evry single day when the clock hits 530pm, my heart ache all over again and I always hope that bloody phone will ring but it has stopped ringing for 6months now.

I miss J so much it hurts every time. I wonder if J ever think about me? But to my guessing, I guess not.

-S-

Day 8

Day 8 : Weather: Gloomy

My heart still ache. C bought me ice cream today during his lunch hour just because I said I woke up crying today. Thank him alot but I wish it was J who did tht for me. I know its impossible now for J to do such a thing.

Time right now pass by like some bloody funeral time, and its killing me like hell. Another part of me is dying inside. 6months ago a part of me died and now slowly another part of me dying aswell. Words cant express the lvl of emotions I feel. J said Im confused and I dunno what I want. I know what I want, it has always been J. I thought back of the countless of arguments we went through, the guys that came along the way and tried to kao me, all also I rejected and it has always been J all along. I couldnt imagine anyone else aside from J be it before and even now. If only J realise how much he meant to me and Im not confused. Maybe someday when he understands we can start again anew.

Dearest C,

I hope you understand what am I going through. I dont want to hurt you and you are a really great guy who deserve so much more then this. I know you have started to read my blog and no dont say you never, caught you once on ur BB. Its been almost 4 months now since we've met and you have been a wonderful guy to me and I know you choose to wait for me until Im ready but I dont think I ever will. Im still hoping tht there is hope between me n J. I know you understand what im going through but I dont want to hurt you. Along the way if someone appear in your life, go for it C. You deserve much better than having to wait for me to heal. Its been 6months now and I still havent heal. Usually it takes me 2-3 months and Im done and over with but somehow this particular heartache that Im going through is different. The lvl of hopes and dreams and sacrifies that Ive made in that relationship was big and large at every scale. I thought J was my soul mate. So I do hope you dont wait for me. Its been 2 months since you told me about your feeling and you dont care how long it takes, you'll wait. I apreciate that C. But I do hope if you have happiness please grab it and dont wait for me.

-S-

Day 7

Day 7 : Weather : Fine

Today would be the last day Ive spoken to J. J finally listen to the things I wish to tell him and there was alot of things that I told J that never in my life I wish for him to know. The reason y I didnt want to tell him was because I didnt want him to feel guilty nor feel that he feel bad. But today I told him was because I want him to know that I sincerely love him with all my heart and soul and nothing more.

Part of me felt like the shittest person on earth because Ive done something in the past to make our relationship work. But its worth it after all. Never a day pass by that I felt it was worthless. It worth so much that I never regret for doing so. Because when I love someone, I will selfishly do the things just so my other half would be happy.

I really miss J. Today when talking to him, just hearing his voice breaks my heart even though he was scolding at me, bt I miss him and just to listen to his voice is enough. With J, I finally understood the meaning of love and most importantly the meaning of Sacrifies. Is when you love someone so god damn much, even the sacrifies is big also, to you its worth it. Its better than winning a lottery or buying a chanel bag or getting good grades or scoring a deal in a job. Ive learn this thing called Sacrifies and with J, it worth every single minute of the day. If you ask me would I do it all over again for J, YES I would. I would climb the tallest mountain for him if i have to in order to get his love back.

Right now, I thanked him for this and I will always love him. In the future if there is a chance, i hope we both will treasure it and make it work, but if it doesnt, all i wish is happiness for him and hope that whoever that loves him can give him the things that I couldnt give enough for him.

No matter how far one would go, I always believe that love will bring us back together. Because I believe in Love and when both person love each other so much, in the end they would be back again together someday.

-S-

Day 6

Day 6: Weather: Fine

Went out with Grace and other of my frens yesterday. After so much talking and stuff I realise that I couldnt believe alot of things that Ive heard. Some were predictable and some really was unexpectable for me.

I know J doesnt love me anymore. In fact I think he has stop loving me a year ago even before we broken up. I hope someday J knows that those mean and hurtful words Ive said was just out of anger and sadness sum up all together. Hey people do mistake sometimes. J thinks that Im doing all this to get him back, but all I want is just a new destiny for us. Time and time again J say there is no longer US. And it hurts me every single time. J's mean to me now but still I miss him so god damn much. So much that people think Im crazy. How come J stopped loving me? Was it my fault before that I wasnt that patient enuff for him? I strangle him? At times I think Ive done 50% good as a girlfriend and many times I didnt think Ive done my part. It doesnt matter anymore.

I can love him and give him my all like Ive promised him 3 years ago when we started but I think today J has forgotten those promises Ive made to him. Ive made a promise to love him, to accept him for who is he, to walk this difficult journey through together, to not cheat on him, to please him, to be patient with him, to adore him and to sincerely with all my heart give what I could give. None of that matters now.

God please help me to move on. It is not worth it anymore. Let me go of this pain that Ive been going through this 7 months. He doesnt care anymore.

-S-

Day 5

Day 5: Weather: Gloomy.

Its been almost 2weeks now since Ive told J the things Ive been keeping inside. How come it felt like 2 years waiting for an answer? Or is it actually the answer is in my face but i choose not to see it? Ive spoke to J's friend today and well friends will always be friends. They will always hope for the best for their friends and wish that me and J get back together. Because of that I dont know what happen among them, J texted me. J say I disreggared his feelings. I dint meant it that way whatsoever. How come J cant see that?

Why does J not miss me? Does my presence and whatever I do makes him hate me? Maybe so......
Its okay...slowly I will move on and when my heart is stacked up with solid rocks. Because no matter what I do, J doesnt see it and apreciate it. Instead he thinks its all a lie and playing with his feeling. I never have those intention at all.

-S-

Day 4

Day4: Weather : Fine but gloomy.

Woke up feeling shitty. Thinking if I should give J a call. And stupidly I did. Still J acted cold. Called him few times today also cold. When will this end? I know J thinks Im being selfish, but I hope he doesnt think of me that way.

C called me today and I tot it was J....again dissapointment. How come there is a guy so nice and sweet as C and yet I still miss J? Sigh....I think Im crazy. I miss J so so much. I wonder if he misses me?

Went to my frens make up academy today. Gonna start learning soon just so I could get my mind of J. I cant be doing this every single time. I cant be missing him. It has pass 6months already, how come I cant let go? How come J can but I cant? Do love really get the better of me? J said Im selfish because after 6months only I come telling him all this and J thinks that because Im so free and lonely only I come back to him. Honestly it hurted me that J think of me this way. Doesnt he knows that throughout that period I miss him dearly? Everyone can see it how come not him? Sigh.......

Was at station one earlier, and suddenly Landy Wen song Sha gua 傻瓜 kept playing. Tears start to fall from my eyes and thinking Im really am Sha gua. Nothing fits me better now than that song. Seriously.


Im gonna stop all of this from tmw onwards. Its really not worth it at all.

傻瓜 我们都一样
被爱情伤了又伤
相信这个他不一样
却又再一次受伤
傻瓜 我们都一样
受了伤却不投降
相信付出会有代价
代价只是一句傻瓜 !

Fool, we're all the same
Let love hurt us again and again
Believe that this 'he' is not the same
But we got hurt and yet again
Fool, we're all the same
We're hurt but not giving up
Believe that all we gave will come back
But giving is just a word, fool

-S-

Valentine 09

Memories which I wish that I could hold onto forever.

But now your gone, and whats left is nothing but emptiness and heartache.

I wish you come back to me and give it another chance.

I wish you could say those 3 words to me again

I wish I could feel your hugs and kisses all over again.

I wish I could feel your warmth when your lying next to me in bed.

I wish for you to call me darling or laopoh once again.

I really wish everything would come back to me.

I dun wanna cry anymore.

-S-

Day 3 Updated

Day 3: Weather : Rainy and cloudy

Went to eat bah kut teh today and the weather started off hot and humid. Was suprise that you replied my message. I never expected it. After finding zha bo went to pavillion for movie today.

At the cinema I was with someone but somehow it felt wrong and empty. I remember the first time we watched movie together. The movie was 007 and it was so funny because you were laughing your ass off while holding the almost tilted popcorn. And I couldnt help bt to adore those cute little gestures you made. All this memories brings me to tears once again and all I could only do was to just sulk it all in. Tht someone asked me if I was ok today and I said Im fine and tears rolled down my eyes. Each time I step into the cinema even after 3 years, I always smile remembering our 1st time at the movies but today is different. Instead of smile, it felt like knife poking through my heart and stabbing it as if it has never been stabbed before. I felt bad for the guy who brought me to movie today. But Im sorry, all I can ever think about is J. I hope he understands what Im going through.

After I got home, a message was delivered to my phone and I tot it was J but it turns out it was the guy(C). Sadly I texted back and then went to shower. Sigh.........

Called J today and again J were cold towards me. J why you always ended up talking to me not more than 5minutes and always hesitate to talk to me furthur nor to ask how am i or have i eaten etc. Does my calls and messages annoy you? Do you hate talking to me? Does my presence annoys you? Its okay.

Why dont you have your lunch even if you are busy? Im so worried about you. But I guess you worry nothing about me. Still is okay.

Anyways didnt see J online. Most probably J already started blocking me on msn and everything else. And maybe bit by bit start to erase me away. Well if it is that way than I guess there is no hope anymore. But somehow silly of me to keep hoping that we could give it a try one last time.

I only can wish hope and pray for good things to come. My heart breaks each time J's friends mention how J were doing when I was away. And it breaks my heart everytime knowing that I could have been there to hug him and tell him that I still love him very much and that everything Ive said was a big huge mistake.

People have done mistakes. But how come Im not worth to be given a second chance? Cant I do mistakes? Must I always be perfect?

Yet another day passes by without him by my side.

-S-

BKT

Am going for Bah kut teh soon!.
Dang, I just started my diet and now its gonna be flush down d drain soon haha.
I'll just eat salad later for dinner then.

Owh and......lately there is someone being ubber nice to me. I wonder why?

Update later!

xoxo,

-S-

Day 3

Day 3: Weather: Alrite. Quiet midnight.

As I lie awake and watch the clouds move through the big bright moon.
All I can ever think about is you.
I remember this very night, you were always beside me sleeping soundly like a baby.
And often you would have shorten of breath and it feels like you were suffocating with a pig sound,
And always I would hold your chest and called out your named and then you'll stop suffocating and continue to sleep. After that I would lower the air condition in my room and move the air con lid over to my side so that you could breath better and then place the blanket over for you.

I know things take time to let go. But I wish it doesnt have to go....
I miss you kissing me each time before you head to work and each time you come back from work.

Tonight will be different. Tonight instead of watching the clouds go pass the moon with your snoring sound, Im watching it with silence and emptiness.

-S-

Day 2 Update

Day 2 : Weather: Raining and cloudy

Bought Famous Amos cookies for you today. Why didnt you tell me before you were taking care of your sugar level? At least if i knew than your message to me today didnt felt so mean. Went to see you today and again it felt different. I hope someday you will share your problems to me and we can go through it together again. I wish to be the one that hears all your problem, not the one that causing more problem to you.

I miss you

-S-

Day 2

Day 2 : Weather : Raining and gloomy

I was cleaning my laptop today and i found a file. And when I open it. All our memories are inside there. And Ive stumbled into this picture. I miss --- so much... Message you today but I guess you were busy. Its okay. I understand.

-S-

Day 1

Dear Blog,

Day 1 : Weather : Fine but humid

Its the 2nd time after so long we've met and sat down and have a drink as friends.

It feels weird but Im hanging in there. Usually when we go to pavillion, after everything we would go back together. But today seems different. After you left, it felt like apart of me left too. Its difficult to be starting out as friends but I will try. Not because of my own intentions, but because I love you so though your not willing to give me another try, I myself will give myself a try to learn to know you once again as friends. After we coupled, alot of things were done selfishly and didnt get to know you even deeper. So by us starting out as friends again, I hope it gives me more time to get to know you better once again.

I hope you feel the same way too. And I hope we really take time to each learn to know each other and value one another. In the future if we were meant to be, i guess no matter where the universe take us. We will be back again as one. Our love was unique and one of a kind and I wish many good things for us.

Take this as a new journey that we have to go through.

-S-

I wish you well

Upon talking to you today

Its clear to me that you want nothing on me.

If you have someone else why did you not tell me.

You rather hung up on me when your other half calls you.

Isnt it obvious?

Y cant you just say..Yes I have someone, I fancy someone, I am kaoing someone.

Than I wouldnt think of anything else or even think a second chance lor.

You dont wish to say harsh words to me.

But please be cruel to me because in you there is no longer love in me.

So might aswell be cruel.

I dont need you to be kind to me.

Fine, now you want to avoid me.

Its okay.

You despise me,

Its okay.

You only want to be my friends.

Its okay.

You no longer have feelings for me.

Its okay.

You no longer miss me.

Its okay.

You feel proud than now im beggin you back.

Its okay.

I only wish you happiness from now on. And im so proud of what you've become. Someone with a career. Im so happy that you have a good job and a good life. Unfortunately I am not able to share this happiness with you. I wish I had this chance to share this wonderful journey that you are going through, that we once slowly and bit by bit together we held our hands and go through this together and built it when it was nothing.When your stress at work and have problems at work, I wish to stood by you once again and be that person who nags and tell you how much I am proud of you when everything seems shitty. But unfortunately now I cant share those with you.

Dont tell me someday in the future we might be back. There is no such thing. If there is still love in you, you wouldnt let a single chance go. Instead you would try to be friends with me and care for me once again. But now your not. Its to bad that we have to be this way. I wish that I could get a second chance but its okay. Soon I'll pick up myself.

Thank you for once sharing a part of my journey and I wish you well and happiness.

I love you always and forever.

-S-

Dearest

I know you forgotten our 1st valentines day

And yet Ive forgive you

I know youve cheated on me with another girl

And yet Ive forgive you

I know you hurt me in some ways that i fail to see.

And yet in so many ways I still forgave you.

But how come you cant forgive me?

How come you cant give me a chance?

How come you left me?

But most of all you hurted me when you say,

You've moved on.

Despite of everything you did or never did, Despite of many negative comments from people and families, Despite of nobody wanted to see us together. It doesnt matter because I have you and I love you so much that I'll lose everything if I lose you. And I know you know that. I would give the world for you if I have to.

But after a silly choice Ive made and said, nothing can change your mind on us. Sometimes I feel like the dummest girl on earth. How can you cheat on me and hold another person hands and still i forgave you and be with you and try to let go. But just because of one silly thing i did and to top it off i didnt hold or kiss or do anything with that person. I still wouldnt be given a chance from you.

Love can be so strong to someone that no matter how much the other try to hurt and kill you, you still stood by and hope for the best and FORGIVE. And thats what I did before for the past 3 years. I stood by you when you had nothing, I stood by you when my family objected you, I stood by you when nothing seems to be in your way, I stood by you and stayed strong when you started your career. I stood by you when you didnt do your best and despite everything I stood by you becoz I love you.

Despite everything you did be it bad or good, intentionally or unintentionally, I still adore you. I love you. But I guess you never see those along the way.

All I want was just a chance to start all over again being friends and see how things go. But you dont even want that. All I ask is for a chance and I have never asked anything like that before from you. If you still love me, I hope you do give me a chance. If you dont than its alrite, you dont have to give me another chance.

Because I do believe that love ought to get a second chance only we know how to apreciate the other half more.

-S-

Macau oh Macau

Ive always wanted to come either to Macau or Hong Kong.Finally Im in Macau now and....instead of having fun and taking a ride to hong kong, sayangsam is stranded in the hotel. SICK!

Yes you heard it. Im having fever vomit and purging. To top it off Im having my period too....so its all in one combo sick. Let me tell you something, for one...i cannot eat abalone and all those 7 8 course chinese food. Or else, there you go...i get this all in one food poisoning.As im typing this to you, i feel like puking too...ahhh...so yes...those who wanna date me dont ever take me to chinese dining. I will DIE.

So anyways, im staying at the most grand hotel in Macau which is Venetian and as im typing im overlooking at crown casino and hard rock hotel. The view here is amazing, more like a chinese version of Las vegas. No doubt its beautiful and the lights that lit up on every hotel are amazingly romantic. Someday when i have the money, Macau would be on of the location i would shoot my wedding picture.

Upon arriving here the weather reminds me of melbourne, windy and cold. Food wise....is ok.

Suckiest part of all is tht my aunt gave me macau dollar 10k to spend and i spend nothing on it becoz im sick and stranded in the hotel room now. The only thing ive bought is fake eyelashes, that also my uncle insists on paying. Otherwise was suppose to shop wif my cousins today and hang out more with them becoz i dont get to see them much on a normal basic. She's going to melbourne too this month for study, so hope that we will get to do some catching up more there.

Other than that i will try to upload pictures when im back in kl.

Signing off.

-S-

why?

How come you changed like this?

Its not 6years, its only 6 months.

How can you move on ever so quickly?

You treat me invisible

I do not know how to face you.

No doubt i still love and miss you

Whats the point?

Clearly you love your life like this now without me.

Your more happier arent you?

I wish this all would go away.

-S-

-----

Yesterday I came home feeling shittier as ever.

I went into the store room to grab a bag.

A bag that I knew and familiar with. A bag that I knew everytime i picked it up, its time for me to move on.

Then I went into my room, where suddenly a flash of you sleeping on my bed and i see myself on the computer. And then tears starts to fall like rain.

As i unfold the bag, i cant help to think tht this is all over now.

No doubt it was 6months ago, but i never did stop and move on.

I open my closet and there it was lying there are your clothes. One that Im familiar with is the one you always slept in it. And then i start to miss the many times you stayed over and we hug each other to sleep. Again my tears start to fall. The smell of it, reminds me of you, the softness of the shirt reminds me of your touch.

And then as I put your clothes in the bag, I wish that I didnt have to do that.

Bt i have too.

And then, there was the bears you gave me.

As I picked them up, I remmeber the promise you gave to me.

One bear for every ocassion we celebrated until Ive got all the collections of them.

And then as I open another closet, there it was, the dress that you bought for me to attend your best friend wedding.

That dress that I wore again on our last anniversary.

As I slowly fold the dress and placed it into the bag,

I couldnt help bt to cry even more and seeing tht it would be my last seeing the dress

And when I think about it, I knew this would be the last seeing you too.

While I was packing all those, I played our song repeatedly on the lappie.

I could remember the very first time we hear tht song together and we were dancing to it.

And I could remmeber the many times this song had played.

When the song played, it was you calling me.

And I remmeber the first word to every phone call you made was " Darling, what you doing?" or " Darling, cippy ah? cute cute ah?"

It was a sentence I wouldnt get to hear again.

And then I saw the box of earing that you gave me. One that you always will get for me until i have all of that collection.

 I then saw the ring we both had.

As I run to my fingers, i turn around it and saw your name engraved in it.

As I put all of those inside the bag.

I am missing you horribly.

I wish to have it all back.

And then as I close the bag, I knew its time once again to move on.

To built a solid concrete wall to protect my heart.

And never again give my all to anyone/

My love for you is real and forever will be,

If only you see that.

-S-

--

Y did we parted?

Y did we choose dark side instead of happiness?

Were we really unhappy with each other?

You never asked me why did I choose to cut it off?

You never bother to think why or even iniciate it.

Maybe you want it out too?

Becoz I remmeber before this, you told me you want us to break off

Y? Was it not good enuff for you?

Till today I still do not know why you utter such words to me.

N till today I still think, what if i have agree to you?

What if I say yes?

Then what will happen?

I wish that i knew everytime what is going on inside your head.

-S-

Why?

For a start....

I hate Malaysia

Coming back home, makes me think of alot of things which i dont want to remember

See people tht I have no choice to see n then hurt myself

I guess forever i will be the only loving bt not loved.

-S-

I will be

Of course you have move on

Of course you found someone else.

I wish for nothing but happiness for you

I hope this someone will love you and cherish you

I hope they bring you joy and light into ur life as I think I didnt do a good job at it.

-S-

Moving mountain

After 3 years being with you,

Yet you could forget Us just like tht.

After all this time, cant you see tht I still miss you and needed u?

Cant you tell by my jealousy and constant talking to u on msn?

Didnt it show enuff obvious?

And after all,

confidentantly you said to me youve moved on.

Hearing those words makes me realise

How stupid I am to have loved u and thinking there was a second chance.

I guess now its my turn.

-S-

2010

HAPPY 2010 READERS~

Sorry for the late wishes.

Will start blogging again next month. Busy month ahead now.

Till then watch out this space because the bitch will be back!

YouKnowYouLoveMe,

-S-