I woke up today with bad throat, flu, cough and fever. The cough is so bad tht i cough blood. Should I see a doctor?
Immediately I took all kinds of medicine just so I could be ok and hoping that I can be ok to go dinner with J.
But as I have guessed correctly once again......J rejected me.
Im done hoping for J to go out with me and start things again.
Its no use. He has forgotten everything about us and what we had.
To him is nothing but old rubbish that doesnt need to be around his mind.
So much for thinking that he will go out wif me today and thinking tht he will give us a chance.
Why is tht so many guys before done bad things to me when we broke up and i never once looked back but J, he makes me love him so much even how much cold words he pours on me or how harshly he done things to me.
Sometimes I wish not to be like this.
Showing posts with label Personal. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Personal. Show all posts
February 12, 2010
Invisible
Im nothing but invisible to you.
No matter what I do or what I say, it only bypass you.
When I call you, all I get is either screams of "why keep calling?" or "Im busy, talk to you later" But those later never seems to come. Those later never exists. You dont even bother to return any of my calls or my text and when I ask its always in a very loud tone " I cant be texting you the whole time right, or Im just so busy la today". Does 1 respond of text means the whole time?
When you see me call or text, what is your feeling J? Is it..." Haih she again" or " What she want this time". Does my text and calls to you is just like another annoying messages from maxis? Does your heart even screams for exitment anymore when you see me or when i text or call? I can answer for you.....NO. If not you would gladly text me and keep the conversation going. You would gladly continue talking to me and asking how's my day instead of "Ok la, i want todo my own things". My conversation on the phone with you is only I ask, you answer and then within seconds " Ok la. I got to go". Each time I call you, I need to think 1000 times what to ask you what to talk to you what should I say. Its like Im talking to an answering machine now thats on replay.
Sigh....with so much obvious signals why am I still waiting at this cliff? I SHOULD JUST JUMP! But somehow or rather, I still await at the top of a cliff awating for you to come and save me and tell me that Im your all. Right now J, If you dont want to save me......just tell me. Even how harsh or hurt the words maybe it doesnt matter. Tell me that your with someone now and that your heart belongs to someone and that you want to built this new journey with her. Tell me all of this so one shot kill my heart for me and I wont blame you instead I will thank you for telling me the truth.
Im nothing but invisible to you.
I asked J for dinner tmw, for the first time he didnt reject. Instead he said " See how". I wonder will J text me to say yes for dinner tmw.......but my feelings tell me that he will reject me again.
Its been 4days since I had proper sleep. When I sleep, all I could hear was J's angry voice telling me that Im lonely and that I ruin his life and that he has move on. I wake up each morning with my heart beat racing and once again hearing J's voice over and over again......The only time I can sleep well is when I take sleeping medicine. I cant torture my life like this anymore. I really miss him so much it hurts to the core of my soul. The saddest thing J said to me was 'Ur too lonely", but I still forgave him.
But Sam.......
Im nothing but Invisible to J.
No matter what I do or what I say, it only bypass you.
When I call you, all I get is either screams of "why keep calling?" or "Im busy, talk to you later" But those later never seems to come. Those later never exists. You dont even bother to return any of my calls or my text and when I ask its always in a very loud tone " I cant be texting you the whole time right, or Im just so busy la today". Does 1 respond of text means the whole time?
When you see me call or text, what is your feeling J? Is it..." Haih she again" or " What she want this time". Does my text and calls to you is just like another annoying messages from maxis? Does your heart even screams for exitment anymore when you see me or when i text or call? I can answer for you.....NO. If not you would gladly text me and keep the conversation going. You would gladly continue talking to me and asking how's my day instead of "Ok la, i want todo my own things". My conversation on the phone with you is only I ask, you answer and then within seconds " Ok la. I got to go". Each time I call you, I need to think 1000 times what to ask you what to talk to you what should I say. Its like Im talking to an answering machine now thats on replay.
Sigh....with so much obvious signals why am I still waiting at this cliff? I SHOULD JUST JUMP! But somehow or rather, I still await at the top of a cliff awating for you to come and save me and tell me that Im your all. Right now J, If you dont want to save me......just tell me. Even how harsh or hurt the words maybe it doesnt matter. Tell me that your with someone now and that your heart belongs to someone and that you want to built this new journey with her. Tell me all of this so one shot kill my heart for me and I wont blame you instead I will thank you for telling me the truth.
Im nothing but invisible to you.
I asked J for dinner tmw, for the first time he didnt reject. Instead he said " See how". I wonder will J text me to say yes for dinner tmw.......but my feelings tell me that he will reject me again.
Its been 4days since I had proper sleep. When I sleep, all I could hear was J's angry voice telling me that Im lonely and that I ruin his life and that he has move on. I wake up each morning with my heart beat racing and once again hearing J's voice over and over again......The only time I can sleep well is when I take sleeping medicine. I cant torture my life like this anymore. I really miss him so much it hurts to the core of my soul. The saddest thing J said to me was 'Ur too lonely", but I still forgave him.
But Sam.......
Im nothing but Invisible to J.
February 11, 2010
Love is like a box of chocolate.
As Im awake at this silent midnight. The wind is blowing outside so calmly and I can see the bright moon again shinning down at me. While acompanied by the silentness of the outside world, Im in my room fixing my 2000 piece puzzle. As I fixed those little puzzle, I start to shed tears again. It felt as if Im fixing my own heart bit by bit with care and attention. I couldnt help but to wonder about J and about all the things we talked about yesterday. Will things ever be the same again? Is he happy with her? Does she make him happy? Am I not worth it?
And then I start to wonder, does this break up and messy things that have happen so far has make us realise that we still love and miss each other so much? Teresa told me, maybe after this hardship god has given you and J so that if we can go through this strongly no matter how much battle have been fought only we learn to really treasure this relationship. So much thoughts been running through my mind after the conversation. J said he's confused and I do not know what exactly J wants. All I can do is wait. But why J needs to be confuse? Doesnt he knows that he have someone and that he's happier? 2days ago I told myself to let go, but today Im back to square one, thinking and thinking and hoping again. Should I let J go? Should I let go of everything we built?
Fought with C today when I came home. C tells me why am I so stupid and so blind and not seeing the real picture and that accept the fact J have someone else, J have already replace me to her as his darling. And I cried again and told C that being in love and building a love for someone is not easy. It takes time and effort and togetherness for love to happen. And it did with J. I found love with J. And C starting being very mad at me and saying he wish that I stop hurting myself becoz it hurts him to c me like this. He said he never cared for anyone so much like this before. I told C that I dont want to be caught like this, C keep insisting on being more than a friend. And I say I cant. I cant start something when now I have something unresolved.
I told C I love J too much to let go the things that we have built together. Every little thing count to me. The effort we put in counted for me, the time J spend his time with me in melbourne counted for me, the time me and J stayed together in one house counted for me, the time J started being accepted in my family counted to me. The time J got a car from his dad, counted for me. The time J had problems and we slowly resolve it together, counted for me. The time J started working and learning about the world, counted for me. The time J was always there for me in my studies and with his own little way do things for me like staying up together with me until I finish my assignment, cook maggie for me when I was hungry in melbourne, it all counted for me. The money we both slowly saved, counted dearly to me, The plans we made for the future for the comfort of us, counted very much for me.The little promises J made to me although to the world is no biggie, but to me...it counted for me and I always patiently await for that promises to come someday.I told C that all this little little things counted for me and no one understood this things that me and J had.
J may not be the riches in the world,not the most handsome guy in the world, not the most romantic guy in the world, but what J had with me be it little or small is enuff to knock those criteria off for me. I dont need all of those. No money, always can find. Not handsome, always can modify, Not romantic, always can learn. C then held my hands and softly said to me " J's really important to you huh? Slowly k my dear, it takes time and I hope to J your someone special to him too because I havent hear a girl can utter such words like this before in my life. Girls that I know are materialistic and demanding." I wish those hands were J somehow.
C then asked me, what will you do to change for the better in you for the relationship? The first thing that Ive said while tears are heavily flowing down is..........to change how I speak to J before. I shouldnt have been so harsh just because of love. It is not the way to show love to someone. I wish to change for the better for J and for myself. Love gets the better of me and sometimes out of too caring, i blurted words that I shouldnt have said and things I shouldnt have done. Being in love at 21 n above, its totally different from high school. In high school, one can be naive and to be honest doesnt know what love really means. But now I know.
Love is when you want to see that person everyday even though the routine repeats again and again.
Love is when watever you do for him/her, it was always out of free will.
Love is when you want to change for the better for that person you love.
Love is when you want to learn something new to keep the magic alive.
Love is when you plan things together and earn that hardship together and pull it through together.
Love is when both person would want to be together for better or for worst.
I hope C understand what Im going through. I hope someday I will be able to repay back C kindness. C tells me he care for me too much and will wait for me as long as he can. I keep telling C not to wait because I have things that is not resolve and I wish to wait for J's return. He says Im stupid but I say its out of Love. I believe me and J gone through so much in our relationship. From being apart in different continent, from family, from work n studies, from financial, from cheating, from hurtful arguments and words and from breaking up....I believe god was testing our love for each other and how much we both can stretch that extra mile, so that in the end we know that our love is pure and strong and nothing else in the future can ever bring us down.
I miss J so so much.
And then I start to wonder, does this break up and messy things that have happen so far has make us realise that we still love and miss each other so much? Teresa told me, maybe after this hardship god has given you and J so that if we can go through this strongly no matter how much battle have been fought only we learn to really treasure this relationship. So much thoughts been running through my mind after the conversation. J said he's confused and I do not know what exactly J wants. All I can do is wait. But why J needs to be confuse? Doesnt he knows that he have someone and that he's happier? 2days ago I told myself to let go, but today Im back to square one, thinking and thinking and hoping again. Should I let J go? Should I let go of everything we built?
Fought with C today when I came home. C tells me why am I so stupid and so blind and not seeing the real picture and that accept the fact J have someone else, J have already replace me to her as his darling. And I cried again and told C that being in love and building a love for someone is not easy. It takes time and effort and togetherness for love to happen. And it did with J. I found love with J. And C starting being very mad at me and saying he wish that I stop hurting myself becoz it hurts him to c me like this. He said he never cared for anyone so much like this before. I told C that I dont want to be caught like this, C keep insisting on being more than a friend. And I say I cant. I cant start something when now I have something unresolved.
I told C I love J too much to let go the things that we have built together. Every little thing count to me. The effort we put in counted for me, the time J spend his time with me in melbourne counted for me, the time me and J stayed together in one house counted for me, the time J started being accepted in my family counted to me. The time J got a car from his dad, counted for me. The time J had problems and we slowly resolve it together, counted for me. The time J started working and learning about the world, counted for me. The time J was always there for me in my studies and with his own little way do things for me like staying up together with me until I finish my assignment, cook maggie for me when I was hungry in melbourne, it all counted for me. The money we both slowly saved, counted dearly to me, The plans we made for the future for the comfort of us, counted very much for me.The little promises J made to me although to the world is no biggie, but to me...it counted for me and I always patiently await for that promises to come someday.I told C that all this little little things counted for me and no one understood this things that me and J had.
J may not be the riches in the world,not the most handsome guy in the world, not the most romantic guy in the world, but what J had with me be it little or small is enuff to knock those criteria off for me. I dont need all of those. No money, always can find. Not handsome, always can modify, Not romantic, always can learn. C then held my hands and softly said to me " J's really important to you huh? Slowly k my dear, it takes time and I hope to J your someone special to him too because I havent hear a girl can utter such words like this before in my life. Girls that I know are materialistic and demanding." I wish those hands were J somehow.
C then asked me, what will you do to change for the better in you for the relationship? The first thing that Ive said while tears are heavily flowing down is..........to change how I speak to J before. I shouldnt have been so harsh just because of love. It is not the way to show love to someone. I wish to change for the better for J and for myself. Love gets the better of me and sometimes out of too caring, i blurted words that I shouldnt have said and things I shouldnt have done. Being in love at 21 n above, its totally different from high school. In high school, one can be naive and to be honest doesnt know what love really means. But now I know.
Love is when you want to see that person everyday even though the routine repeats again and again.
Love is when watever you do for him/her, it was always out of free will.
Love is when you want to change for the better for that person you love.
Love is when you want to learn something new to keep the magic alive.
Love is when you plan things together and earn that hardship together and pull it through together.
Love is when both person would want to be together for better or for worst.
I hope C understand what Im going through. I hope someday I will be able to repay back C kindness. C tells me he care for me too much and will wait for me as long as he can. I keep telling C not to wait because I have things that is not resolve and I wish to wait for J's return. He says Im stupid but I say its out of Love. I believe me and J gone through so much in our relationship. From being apart in different continent, from family, from work n studies, from financial, from cheating, from hurtful arguments and words and from breaking up....I believe god was testing our love for each other and how much we both can stretch that extra mile, so that in the end we know that our love is pure and strong and nothing else in the future can ever bring us down.
I miss J so so much.
-S-
February 10, 2010
Love sick
Y is it two person can say so much hurtful words to each other? Is it becoz of love? That they cant do anything but show this sort of love?
For me,
Im so mad and sad that hurtful words keep coming out from my mouth. Yes I am evil and words are damn painful but I dont mean them. I love you so much that it hurts me to the core. Cny is coming and Im sick as ever and I wish he was by my side. I can get so angry and so in love at the same time to a point i think im going nuts.
Dear god please help me.
I cant do this anymore.
For me,
Im so mad and sad that hurtful words keep coming out from my mouth. Yes I am evil and words are damn painful but I dont mean them. I love you so much that it hurts me to the core. Cny is coming and Im sick as ever and I wish he was by my side. I can get so angry and so in love at the same time to a point i think im going nuts.
Dear god please help me.
I cant do this anymore.
-S-
February 5, 2010
I dont want to count anymore days.......how much I count, you will never return back
There's nothing I could say to you.
Nothing I could ever do,
To make you see,
What you mean to me.
All the pain & tears Ive cried,
Still you never come my side,
And now I know,
How far you go.
I know I let you down, Its not like that now.
This time I'll never let you go.
I will be, All that you want
And get myself together,
To keep you from falling apart & All my life,
I only want to be with you forever and To get you through the day & make everything ok.
I thought that I had everything,
I didnt know what life can bring,
Now I can see honestly,
Your the one thing I got right,
The only one that I let inside my heart,
Now I can breathe, coz ur here with me
I know I let you down, I hope someday I can turn it all around.
And this time I will never let you go.
-S-
February 2, 2010
Dearest forever
I never want to hurt you.
I never want to be parted.
I hope you understand, the level of love that I have for you.
Without you life is meaningless.
Life to me now has no direction and above all without your love, life is nothing to me.
I hope someday you will come back to me.
So that once again we can go on this wonderful journey together as I always promise and tell you since the day we met.
For now, I wish we both take a moment to reflect everything that has happen and is it worth it to think about it for future?
Ive done nothing but love you and thats all tht matters.
I never want to be parted.
I hope you understand, the level of love that I have for you.
Without you life is meaningless.
Life to me now has no direction and above all without your love, life is nothing to me.
I hope someday you will come back to me.
So that once again we can go on this wonderful journey together as I always promise and tell you since the day we met.
For now, I wish we both take a moment to reflect everything that has happen and is it worth it to think about it for future?
Ive done nothing but love you and thats all tht matters.
-S-
January 31, 2010
Day 13
Day 13 : Weather: Fine
Its been almost 2 weeks now since I last told J how I felt. And today we talked again and I told J I gave him time to think about us and is it worth it that we give it another try. I do not know at this stage if J consider of the time Ive given him. At some point he tells me he will think about it and at some point he ask me to move on. Im having such a mixed feeling and I dont know wat to do. I wish he take the time to think about us and about everything else. Why cant we give it another try?
I only left 3weeks here in melbourne and whatever I can do, I will do now even if it will take me another heartbreak once again but I dont care because I love J very much that if he ask me to die for him I will. And thats the extend of my love for him, be it before and even now.
A few days back, i was shopping alone for my cny clothing and tears start to fall again...same time last 2 years we both will go get cny stuff together. I would be the one choosing the colour of his undies for him and we would walk hand in hand buying those things together and choosing clothes for one another. But this year is different, Im walking alone and the silence I have is so pain that it felt like a million knife stab my heart over and over again. As I walked through the men's department, without thinking I went to buy stuff for J. I know its silly and crazy but to me cny is all about new things to usher the new year to have proporous year ahead. And because again of love, I decided to get those things for him so that he will have a new good year ahead. But when I texted him, he say he cannot accept it. My heart fall down and get step on again and I finally convince him to take it.
I havent gave him the things Ive bought, but how come Im so silly? How come with the amount of coldness he treats me yet I still miss him and love him as if none of those words affected me? Is this what I have to endure in love? Sigh....I really do not know at this point. All I can do is do be patient and wait for his answer and do as much as I can before I leave to melbourne where I would be paralyze and do nothing but wait another 4months till I return.
Im afraid to see him even how much my heart and mind wants to see him dearly. Im afraid when I c him, I cant help bt to cry again and wish that he will hug me and tell me those 3 impossible words. I dont think he cares for me anymore, but why do I still wait? For wat? Another heartache? Guess I deserve it. Sigh.
Yet another day without J by myside.
Its been almost 2 weeks now since I last told J how I felt. And today we talked again and I told J I gave him time to think about us and is it worth it that we give it another try. I do not know at this stage if J consider of the time Ive given him. At some point he tells me he will think about it and at some point he ask me to move on. Im having such a mixed feeling and I dont know wat to do. I wish he take the time to think about us and about everything else. Why cant we give it another try?
I only left 3weeks here in melbourne and whatever I can do, I will do now even if it will take me another heartbreak once again but I dont care because I love J very much that if he ask me to die for him I will. And thats the extend of my love for him, be it before and even now.
A few days back, i was shopping alone for my cny clothing and tears start to fall again...same time last 2 years we both will go get cny stuff together. I would be the one choosing the colour of his undies for him and we would walk hand in hand buying those things together and choosing clothes for one another. But this year is different, Im walking alone and the silence I have is so pain that it felt like a million knife stab my heart over and over again. As I walked through the men's department, without thinking I went to buy stuff for J. I know its silly and crazy but to me cny is all about new things to usher the new year to have proporous year ahead. And because again of love, I decided to get those things for him so that he will have a new good year ahead. But when I texted him, he say he cannot accept it. My heart fall down and get step on again and I finally convince him to take it.
I havent gave him the things Ive bought, but how come Im so silly? How come with the amount of coldness he treats me yet I still miss him and love him as if none of those words affected me? Is this what I have to endure in love? Sigh....I really do not know at this point. All I can do is do be patient and wait for his answer and do as much as I can before I leave to melbourne where I would be paralyze and do nothing but wait another 4months till I return.
Im afraid to see him even how much my heart and mind wants to see him dearly. Im afraid when I c him, I cant help bt to cry again and wish that he will hug me and tell me those 3 impossible words. I dont think he cares for me anymore, but why do I still wait? For wat? Another heartache? Guess I deserve it. Sigh.
Yet another day without J by myside.
-S-
January 30, 2010
Day 12
Day 12 : Weather: Sunny
Bad headache today. I drank heaps yesterday thanks to the bunch of lovely friends but now am suffering....blah!. I hate hangovers. Whenver I get this, I only think about COKE!. It was the first time C joined my friends yesterday and it all went well. But when I sat there, all I could think of is...If only J was here to drink and have fun with me and my friends once again. Ive so much to tell him so much to say and gossip to J....bt J hates me. And then some idiot sang "Always be my baby" and yes no need to guess.....I cried haih.....When will this heartache be over?
I told J tht I will give him time to think about us and if its worth a second chance. I really miss J and thats all Ive been thinking for the past 7months. I think it came to a point my frens dun want to listen me talking about J anymore. Im gonna give J time because I love him so no matter how hard it maybe, i will try my all. Ive made a promise before and as long as I can take this, I will wait for J's return. He doesnt know how much I love him and waited the right time to tell him all this things Ive been keeping for the last 7months. I knew tht I was so far away, J wouldnt listen to me at tht point and Im sure he hated me like hell. Thats why i choose to come back to kl and find the right time to tell him. I hope he thinks about it. I know its not easy to get him back this time and the chances are very very thin. But I will try my all as long as I can and I hope it can be given a second chance.
Yet another sad day has passed by without J by myside.
Bad headache today. I drank heaps yesterday thanks to the bunch of lovely friends but now am suffering....blah!. I hate hangovers. Whenver I get this, I only think about COKE!. It was the first time C joined my friends yesterday and it all went well. But when I sat there, all I could think of is...If only J was here to drink and have fun with me and my friends once again. Ive so much to tell him so much to say and gossip to J....bt J hates me. And then some idiot sang "Always be my baby" and yes no need to guess.....I cried haih.....When will this heartache be over?
I told J tht I will give him time to think about us and if its worth a second chance. I really miss J and thats all Ive been thinking for the past 7months. I think it came to a point my frens dun want to listen me talking about J anymore. Im gonna give J time because I love him so no matter how hard it maybe, i will try my all. Ive made a promise before and as long as I can take this, I will wait for J's return. He doesnt know how much I love him and waited the right time to tell him all this things Ive been keeping for the last 7months. I knew tht I was so far away, J wouldnt listen to me at tht point and Im sure he hated me like hell. Thats why i choose to come back to kl and find the right time to tell him. I hope he thinks about it. I know its not easy to get him back this time and the chances are very very thin. But I will try my all as long as I can and I hope it can be given a second chance.
Yet another sad day has passed by without J by myside.
-S-
January 29, 2010
Day 11
Day 11: Weather: Sunny & Rain
Tday after so long Ive got to talk to J for half an hour or so. Really makes me miss him even more. We spoke on a couple of things but one things for sure that made me upset was. J thinks that if we get back together this time, he would still be him. And no that didnt upset me, what upset me was he thinks that I fall for him because of something else. Doesnt he knows that I loved him for him? For how simple his attitude, lifestyle and life is? The day I met J, I know he's someone tht is simple and no doubt with my constant complain, I did try to do the things he liked. But I guess J never sees that. He thinks Im full of colour and want him tht way too but he doesnt know is that I would rather do the things together at home than going out. Maybe after so long he doesnt know me that well.
And another thing he said was tht how come now only I wanna go his house bt when we were together I didnt wanna go. Still he doesnt know is tht if I go over his place he has to drive me home after tht and its not safe for me to drive myself home after midnight. So instead of making him driving me home, might aswell come over my place and stay over. Doesnt he knows I was being considerate of his tiredness and knowing he has to go to work the next day? If I could stay over at his place, i think many of you will know that I would stay over at his place. Sigh.
Right now, whatever I say or do, I dont think he will ever know because he has stopped loving me. And why foolishly Im still doing stuff? You see, when you love someone soo deep, it doesnt matter that person hates you or disgust by you, you would still in your little own ways do things for them as long as you can no doubt it hurts like hell that person doesnt care.
I was so sad today than i drove and stopped near the side of the road and started crying. Then my phone rang and I tot it was J but when I took the phone I saw it was C. Imediately C knew I was crying and told me to drive home and he'll wait for me. So I drove home and 5mins after dat C came. I told C not to come coz he was busy preparing for his project proposal tmw morning but he insist of coming. He then came and ask me to wipe my tears and touch up my make up and ask me to get in the car. I hesitate for 15mins and finally I said ok.
In the car I asked him where is he taking me, He said he's taking me somewhere where I can throw all my heartache away. After much winding up the hill, I saw this hill that has a restaurant on top of it. Came down from the car and he took me below the restaurant. The scenery was breath taking and it blew me away. So I sat there and C told me to tell him wat happen. When I look at the scenery of KL, my heart aches for J and wishing that J would be beside me to c this. Than I got interupted by C voice.....and then slowly I told him bits and pieces of what me and J talked about and again started crying. He told me that all I need is time and he hope that J would realise how beautiful I am to him than I laughed and said 'if J thinks im beautiful that would be the day I would be married to J".
C is a real nice guy and why am I not falling for him? He has everything Ive been looking for but how come I still miss and love J so much? C says that he can tell that I really love J alot and that usually after few months people would move on but how come I cant? He also says that whatever I do, all I can think about was....How J is? Is he ok? Hows his work? Is he ok? And then C say that he would give up everything to be in J's shoe right now....and I say....maybe once u know me and see that im whinny and protective than u wouldnt want to be in his shoes. C laughed. But all I could think about was J. Its been 4months since I knew C and yet of many things he had done for me to show that he cares....all I ever think about was J and wishing and hoping J would come back to me.
J say that if there is faith, then faith will lead us back together someday. And for me yes faith does come but if you do not know how to catch it, it will fade. Like when I first talked to J was when I send a smiley message to him on friendster and he replied. It shows faith is always around us, bt if we dont initiate to do anything about it, it doesnt matter a million faith comes along, it will never happen.
I wish I could spend another valentines with J. When I think about it, it hurts because I know J would be spending it with someone else instead of me.
Yet another day without J by my side.
Tday after so long Ive got to talk to J for half an hour or so. Really makes me miss him even more. We spoke on a couple of things but one things for sure that made me upset was. J thinks that if we get back together this time, he would still be him. And no that didnt upset me, what upset me was he thinks that I fall for him because of something else. Doesnt he knows that I loved him for him? For how simple his attitude, lifestyle and life is? The day I met J, I know he's someone tht is simple and no doubt with my constant complain, I did try to do the things he liked. But I guess J never sees that. He thinks Im full of colour and want him tht way too but he doesnt know is that I would rather do the things together at home than going out. Maybe after so long he doesnt know me that well.
And another thing he said was tht how come now only I wanna go his house bt when we were together I didnt wanna go. Still he doesnt know is tht if I go over his place he has to drive me home after tht and its not safe for me to drive myself home after midnight. So instead of making him driving me home, might aswell come over my place and stay over. Doesnt he knows I was being considerate of his tiredness and knowing he has to go to work the next day? If I could stay over at his place, i think many of you will know that I would stay over at his place. Sigh.
Right now, whatever I say or do, I dont think he will ever know because he has stopped loving me. And why foolishly Im still doing stuff? You see, when you love someone soo deep, it doesnt matter that person hates you or disgust by you, you would still in your little own ways do things for them as long as you can no doubt it hurts like hell that person doesnt care.
I was so sad today than i drove and stopped near the side of the road and started crying. Then my phone rang and I tot it was J but when I took the phone I saw it was C. Imediately C knew I was crying and told me to drive home and he'll wait for me. So I drove home and 5mins after dat C came. I told C not to come coz he was busy preparing for his project proposal tmw morning but he insist of coming. He then came and ask me to wipe my tears and touch up my make up and ask me to get in the car. I hesitate for 15mins and finally I said ok.
In the car I asked him where is he taking me, He said he's taking me somewhere where I can throw all my heartache away. After much winding up the hill, I saw this hill that has a restaurant on top of it. Came down from the car and he took me below the restaurant. The scenery was breath taking and it blew me away. So I sat there and C told me to tell him wat happen. When I look at the scenery of KL, my heart aches for J and wishing that J would be beside me to c this. Than I got interupted by C voice.....and then slowly I told him bits and pieces of what me and J talked about and again started crying. He told me that all I need is time and he hope that J would realise how beautiful I am to him than I laughed and said 'if J thinks im beautiful that would be the day I would be married to J".
C is a real nice guy and why am I not falling for him? He has everything Ive been looking for but how come I still miss and love J so much? C says that he can tell that I really love J alot and that usually after few months people would move on but how come I cant? He also says that whatever I do, all I can think about was....How J is? Is he ok? Hows his work? Is he ok? And then C say that he would give up everything to be in J's shoe right now....and I say....maybe once u know me and see that im whinny and protective than u wouldnt want to be in his shoes. C laughed. But all I could think about was J. Its been 4months since I knew C and yet of many things he had done for me to show that he cares....all I ever think about was J and wishing and hoping J would come back to me.
J say that if there is faith, then faith will lead us back together someday. And for me yes faith does come but if you do not know how to catch it, it will fade. Like when I first talked to J was when I send a smiley message to him on friendster and he replied. It shows faith is always around us, bt if we dont initiate to do anything about it, it doesnt matter a million faith comes along, it will never happen.
I wish I could spend another valentines with J. When I think about it, it hurts because I know J would be spending it with someone else instead of me.
Yet another day without J by my side.
-S-
January 27, 2010
Day 9
Day 9: Weather: Fine with a bit gloomy.
I have come to a point I have no reason to call J anymore. Each time I call or text him, its either a " Sure thanks" or " Dont worry about me" but nothing on his side to care for me anymore. Each morning I wake up the first thing I do is I think about him and what to text him and dont expect anything in return. Each time when the clock strike 1pm, I know he's having his lunch. And then the hardest part of all is when the clock hits 530pm. Those were the times that he would call me and we would discuss what we will do that evening. Either he'll come and fetch me and we go his place or he would come to mine and stay over the night. Those 6months without him was the hardest I have to go through even now. Evry single day when the clock hits 530pm, my heart ache all over again and I always hope that bloody phone will ring but it has stopped ringing for 6months now.
I miss J so much it hurts every time. I wonder if J ever think about me? But to my guessing, I guess not.
I have come to a point I have no reason to call J anymore. Each time I call or text him, its either a " Sure thanks" or " Dont worry about me" but nothing on his side to care for me anymore. Each morning I wake up the first thing I do is I think about him and what to text him and dont expect anything in return. Each time when the clock strike 1pm, I know he's having his lunch. And then the hardest part of all is when the clock hits 530pm. Those were the times that he would call me and we would discuss what we will do that evening. Either he'll come and fetch me and we go his place or he would come to mine and stay over the night. Those 6months without him was the hardest I have to go through even now. Evry single day when the clock hits 530pm, my heart ache all over again and I always hope that bloody phone will ring but it has stopped ringing for 6months now.
I miss J so much it hurts every time. I wonder if J ever think about me? But to my guessing, I guess not.
-S-
January 25, 2010
Day 7
Day 7 : Weather : Fine
Today would be the last day Ive spoken to J. J finally listen to the things I wish to tell him and there was alot of things that I told J that never in my life I wish for him to know. The reason y I didnt want to tell him was because I didnt want him to feel guilty nor feel that he feel bad. But today I told him was because I want him to know that I sincerely love him with all my heart and soul and nothing more.
Part of me felt like the shittest person on earth because Ive done something in the past to make our relationship work. But its worth it after all. Never a day pass by that I felt it was worthless. It worth so much that I never regret for doing so. Because when I love someone, I will selfishly do the things just so my other half would be happy.
I really miss J. Today when talking to him, just hearing his voice breaks my heart even though he was scolding at me, bt I miss him and just to listen to his voice is enough. With J, I finally understood the meaning of love and most importantly the meaning of Sacrifies. Is when you love someone so god damn much, even the sacrifies is big also, to you its worth it. Its better than winning a lottery or buying a chanel bag or getting good grades or scoring a deal in a job. Ive learn this thing called Sacrifies and with J, it worth every single minute of the day. If you ask me would I do it all over again for J, YES I would. I would climb the tallest mountain for him if i have to in order to get his love back.
Right now, I thanked him for this and I will always love him. In the future if there is a chance, i hope we both will treasure it and make it work, but if it doesnt, all i wish is happiness for him and hope that whoever that loves him can give him the things that I couldnt give enough for him.
No matter how far one would go, I always believe that love will bring us back together. Because I believe in Love and when both person love each other so much, in the end they would be back again together someday.
Today would be the last day Ive spoken to J. J finally listen to the things I wish to tell him and there was alot of things that I told J that never in my life I wish for him to know. The reason y I didnt want to tell him was because I didnt want him to feel guilty nor feel that he feel bad. But today I told him was because I want him to know that I sincerely love him with all my heart and soul and nothing more.
Part of me felt like the shittest person on earth because Ive done something in the past to make our relationship work. But its worth it after all. Never a day pass by that I felt it was worthless. It worth so much that I never regret for doing so. Because when I love someone, I will selfishly do the things just so my other half would be happy.
I really miss J. Today when talking to him, just hearing his voice breaks my heart even though he was scolding at me, bt I miss him and just to listen to his voice is enough. With J, I finally understood the meaning of love and most importantly the meaning of Sacrifies. Is when you love someone so god damn much, even the sacrifies is big also, to you its worth it. Its better than winning a lottery or buying a chanel bag or getting good grades or scoring a deal in a job. Ive learn this thing called Sacrifies and with J, it worth every single minute of the day. If you ask me would I do it all over again for J, YES I would. I would climb the tallest mountain for him if i have to in order to get his love back.
Right now, I thanked him for this and I will always love him. In the future if there is a chance, i hope we both will treasure it and make it work, but if it doesnt, all i wish is happiness for him and hope that whoever that loves him can give him the things that I couldnt give enough for him.
No matter how far one would go, I always believe that love will bring us back together. Because I believe in Love and when both person love each other so much, in the end they would be back again together someday.
-S-
January 24, 2010
Day 6
Day 6: Weather: Fine
Went out with Grace and other of my frens yesterday. After so much talking and stuff I realise that I couldnt believe alot of things that Ive heard. Some were predictable and some really was unexpectable for me.
I know J doesnt love me anymore. In fact I think he has stop loving me a year ago even before we broken up. I hope someday J knows that those mean and hurtful words Ive said was just out of anger and sadness sum up all together. Hey people do mistake sometimes. J thinks that Im doing all this to get him back, but all I want is just a new destiny for us. Time and time again J say there is no longer US. And it hurts me every single time. J's mean to me now but still I miss him so god damn much. So much that people think Im crazy. How come J stopped loving me? Was it my fault before that I wasnt that patient enuff for him? I strangle him? At times I think Ive done 50% good as a girlfriend and many times I didnt think Ive done my part. It doesnt matter anymore.
I can love him and give him my all like Ive promised him 3 years ago when we started but I think today J has forgotten those promises Ive made to him. Ive made a promise to love him, to accept him for who is he, to walk this difficult journey through together, to not cheat on him, to please him, to be patient with him, to adore him and to sincerely with all my heart give what I could give. None of that matters now.
God please help me to move on. It is not worth it anymore. Let me go of this pain that Ive been going through this 7 months. He doesnt care anymore.
Went out with Grace and other of my frens yesterday. After so much talking and stuff I realise that I couldnt believe alot of things that Ive heard. Some were predictable and some really was unexpectable for me.
I know J doesnt love me anymore. In fact I think he has stop loving me a year ago even before we broken up. I hope someday J knows that those mean and hurtful words Ive said was just out of anger and sadness sum up all together. Hey people do mistake sometimes. J thinks that Im doing all this to get him back, but all I want is just a new destiny for us. Time and time again J say there is no longer US. And it hurts me every single time. J's mean to me now but still I miss him so god damn much. So much that people think Im crazy. How come J stopped loving me? Was it my fault before that I wasnt that patient enuff for him? I strangle him? At times I think Ive done 50% good as a girlfriend and many times I didnt think Ive done my part. It doesnt matter anymore.
I can love him and give him my all like Ive promised him 3 years ago when we started but I think today J has forgotten those promises Ive made to him. Ive made a promise to love him, to accept him for who is he, to walk this difficult journey through together, to not cheat on him, to please him, to be patient with him, to adore him and to sincerely with all my heart give what I could give. None of that matters now.
God please help me to move on. It is not worth it anymore. Let me go of this pain that Ive been going through this 7 months. He doesnt care anymore.
-S-
January 23, 2010
Day 4
Day4: Weather : Fine but gloomy.
Woke up feeling shitty. Thinking if I should give J a call. And stupidly I did. Still J acted cold. Called him few times today also cold. When will this end? I know J thinks Im being selfish, but I hope he doesnt think of me that way.
C called me today and I tot it was J....again dissapointment. How come there is a guy so nice and sweet as C and yet I still miss J? Sigh....I think Im crazy. I miss J so so much. I wonder if he misses me?
Went to my frens make up academy today. Gonna start learning soon just so I could get my mind of J. I cant be doing this every single time. I cant be missing him. It has pass 6months already, how come I cant let go? How come J can but I cant? Do love really get the better of me? J said Im selfish because after 6months only I come telling him all this and J thinks that because Im so free and lonely only I come back to him. Honestly it hurted me that J think of me this way. Doesnt he knows that throughout that period I miss him dearly? Everyone can see it how come not him? Sigh.......
Was at station one earlier, and suddenly Landy Wen song Sha gua 傻瓜 kept playing. Tears start to fall from my eyes and thinking Im really am Sha gua. Nothing fits me better now than that song. Seriously.
Im gonna stop all of this from tmw onwards. Its really not worth it at all.
Woke up feeling shitty. Thinking if I should give J a call. And stupidly I did. Still J acted cold. Called him few times today also cold. When will this end? I know J thinks Im being selfish, but I hope he doesnt think of me that way.
C called me today and I tot it was J....again dissapointment. How come there is a guy so nice and sweet as C and yet I still miss J? Sigh....I think Im crazy. I miss J so so much. I wonder if he misses me?
Went to my frens make up academy today. Gonna start learning soon just so I could get my mind of J. I cant be doing this every single time. I cant be missing him. It has pass 6months already, how come I cant let go? How come J can but I cant? Do love really get the better of me? J said Im selfish because after 6months only I come telling him all this and J thinks that because Im so free and lonely only I come back to him. Honestly it hurted me that J think of me this way. Doesnt he knows that throughout that period I miss him dearly? Everyone can see it how come not him? Sigh.......
Was at station one earlier, and suddenly Landy Wen song Sha gua 傻瓜 kept playing. Tears start to fall from my eyes and thinking Im really am Sha gua. Nothing fits me better now than that song. Seriously.
Im gonna stop all of this from tmw onwards. Its really not worth it at all.
傻瓜 我们都一样
被爱情伤了又伤
相信这个他不一样
却又再一次受伤
傻瓜 我们都一样
受了伤却不投降
相信付出会有代价
代价只是一句傻瓜 !
被爱情伤了又伤
相信这个他不一样
却又再一次受伤
傻瓜 我们都一样
受了伤却不投降
相信付出会有代价
代价只是一句傻瓜 !
Fool, we're all the same
Let love hurt us again and again
Believe that this 'he' is not the same
But we got hurt and yet again
Fool, we're all the same
We're hurt but not giving up
Believe that all we gave will come back
But giving is just a word, fool
Let love hurt us again and again
Believe that this 'he' is not the same
But we got hurt and yet again
Fool, we're all the same
We're hurt but not giving up
Believe that all we gave will come back
But giving is just a word, fool
-S-
January 22, 2010
Valentine 09
Memories which I wish that I could hold onto forever.
But now your gone, and whats left is nothing but emptiness and heartache.
I wish you come back to me and give it another chance.
I wish you could say those 3 words to me again
I wish I could feel your hugs and kisses all over again.
I wish I could feel your warmth when your lying next to me in bed.
I wish for you to call me darling or laopoh once again.
I really wish everything would come back to me.
I dun wanna cry anymore.
-S-
January 21, 2010
Day 3
Day 3: Weather: Alrite. Quiet midnight.
As I lie awake and watch the clouds move through the big bright moon.
All I can ever think about is you.
I remember this very night, you were always beside me sleeping soundly like a baby.
And often you would have shorten of breath and it feels like you were suffocating with a pig sound,
And always I would hold your chest and called out your named and then you'll stop suffocating and continue to sleep. After that I would lower the air condition in my room and move the air con lid over to my side so that you could breath better and then place the blanket over for you.
I know things take time to let go. But I wish it doesnt have to go....
I miss you kissing me each time before you head to work and each time you come back from work.
Tonight will be different. Tonight instead of watching the clouds go pass the moon with your snoring sound, Im watching it with silence and emptiness.
As I lie awake and watch the clouds move through the big bright moon.
All I can ever think about is you.
I remember this very night, you were always beside me sleeping soundly like a baby.
And often you would have shorten of breath and it feels like you were suffocating with a pig sound,
And always I would hold your chest and called out your named and then you'll stop suffocating and continue to sleep. After that I would lower the air condition in my room and move the air con lid over to my side so that you could breath better and then place the blanket over for you.
I know things take time to let go. But I wish it doesnt have to go....
I miss you kissing me each time before you head to work and each time you come back from work.
Tonight will be different. Tonight instead of watching the clouds go pass the moon with your snoring sound, Im watching it with silence and emptiness.
-S-
January 20, 2010
Day 2 Update
Day 2 : Weather: Raining and cloudy
Bought Famous Amos cookies for you today. Why didnt you tell me before you were taking care of your sugar level? At least if i knew than your message to me today didnt felt so mean. Went to see you today and again it felt different. I hope someday you will share your problems to me and we can go through it together again. I wish to be the one that hears all your problem, not the one that causing more problem to you.
I miss you
-S-
Bought Famous Amos cookies for you today. Why didnt you tell me before you were taking care of your sugar level? At least if i knew than your message to me today didnt felt so mean. Went to see you today and again it felt different. I hope someday you will share your problems to me and we can go through it together again. I wish to be the one that hears all your problem, not the one that causing more problem to you.
I miss you
-S-
Day 2
I was cleaning my laptop today and i found a file. And when I open it. All our memories are inside there. And Ive stumbled into this picture. I miss --- so much... Message you today but I guess you were busy. Its okay. I understand.
-S-
Day 1
Dear Blog,
Day 1 : Weather : Fine but humid
Its the 2nd time after so long we've met and sat down and have a drink as friends.
It feels weird but Im hanging in there. Usually when we go to pavillion, after everything we would go back together. But today seems different. After you left, it felt like apart of me left too. Its difficult to be starting out as friends but I will try. Not because of my own intentions, but because I love you so though your not willing to give me another try, I myself will give myself a try to learn to know you once again as friends. After we coupled, alot of things were done selfishly and didnt get to know you even deeper. So by us starting out as friends again, I hope it gives me more time to get to know you better once again.
I hope you feel the same way too. And I hope we really take time to each learn to know each other and value one another. In the future if we were meant to be, i guess no matter where the universe take us. We will be back again as one. Our love was unique and one of a kind and I wish many good things for us.
Take this as a new journey that we have to go through.
-S-
January 19, 2010
I wish you well
Upon talking to you today
Its clear to me that you want nothing on me.
If you have someone else why did you not tell me.
You rather hung up on me when your other half calls you.
Isnt it obvious?
Y cant you just say..Yes I have someone, I fancy someone, I am kaoing someone.
Than I wouldnt think of anything else or even think a second chance lor.
You dont wish to say harsh words to me.
But please be cruel to me because in you there is no longer love in me.
So might aswell be cruel.
I dont need you to be kind to me.
Fine, now you want to avoid me.
Its okay.
You despise me,
Its okay.
You only want to be my friends.
Its okay.
You no longer have feelings for me.
Its okay.
You no longer miss me.
Its okay.
You feel proud than now im beggin you back.
Its okay.
I only wish you happiness from now on. And im so proud of what you've become. Someone with a career. Im so happy that you have a good job and a good life. Unfortunately I am not able to share this happiness with you. I wish I had this chance to share this wonderful journey that you are going through, that we once slowly and bit by bit together we held our hands and go through this together and built it when it was nothing.When your stress at work and have problems at work, I wish to stood by you once again and be that person who nags and tell you how much I am proud of you when everything seems shitty. But unfortunately now I cant share those with you.
Dont tell me someday in the future we might be back. There is no such thing. If there is still love in you, you wouldnt let a single chance go. Instead you would try to be friends with me and care for me once again. But now your not. Its to bad that we have to be this way. I wish that I could get a second chance but its okay. Soon I'll pick up myself.
Thank you for once sharing a part of my journey and I wish you well and happiness.
I love you always and forever.
-S-
January 18, 2010
Dearest
I know you forgotten our 1st valentines day
And yet Ive forgive you
I know youve cheated on me with another girl
And yet Ive forgive you
I know you hurt me in some ways that i fail to see.
And yet in so many ways I still forgave you.
But how come you cant forgive me?
How come you cant give me a chance?
How come you left me?
But most of all you hurted me when you say,
You've moved on.
Despite of everything you did or never did, Despite of many negative comments from people and families, Despite of nobody wanted to see us together. It doesnt matter because I have you and I love you so much that I'll lose everything if I lose you. And I know you know that. I would give the world for you if I have to.
But after a silly choice Ive made and said, nothing can change your mind on us. Sometimes I feel like the dummest girl on earth. How can you cheat on me and hold another person hands and still i forgave you and be with you and try to let go. But just because of one silly thing i did and to top it off i didnt hold or kiss or do anything with that person. I still wouldnt be given a chance from you.
Love can be so strong to someone that no matter how much the other try to hurt and kill you, you still stood by and hope for the best and FORGIVE. And thats what I did before for the past 3 years. I stood by you when you had nothing, I stood by you when my family objected you, I stood by you when nothing seems to be in your way, I stood by you and stayed strong when you started your career. I stood by you when you didnt do your best and despite everything I stood by you becoz I love you.
Despite everything you did be it bad or good, intentionally or unintentionally, I still adore you. I love you. But I guess you never see those along the way.
All I want was just a chance to start all over again being friends and see how things go. But you dont even want that. All I ask is for a chance and I have never asked anything like that before from you. If you still love me, I hope you do give me a chance. If you dont than its alrite, you dont have to give me another chance.
Because I do believe that love ought to get a second chance only we know how to apreciate the other half more.
-S-
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