As Im awake at this silent midnight. The wind is blowing outside so calmly and I can see the bright moon again shinning down at me. While acompanied by the silentness of the outside world, Im in my room fixing my 2000 piece puzzle. As I fixed those little puzzle, I start to shed tears again. It felt as if Im fixing my own heart bit by bit with care and attention. I couldnt help but to wonder about J and about all the things we talked about yesterday. Will things ever be the same again? Is he happy with her? Does she make him happy? Am I not worth it?
And then I start to wonder, does this break up and messy things that have happen so far has make us realise that we still love and miss each other so much? Teresa told me, maybe after this hardship god has given you and J so that if we can go through this strongly no matter how much battle have been fought only we learn to really treasure this relationship. So much thoughts been running through my mind after the conversation. J said he's confused and I do not know what exactly J wants. All I can do is wait. But why J needs to be confuse? Doesnt he knows that he have someone and that he's happier? 2days ago I told myself to let go, but today Im back to square one, thinking and thinking and hoping again. Should I let J go? Should I let go of everything we built?
Fought with C today when I came home. C tells me why am I so stupid and so blind and not seeing the real picture and that accept the fact J have someone else, J have already replace me to her as his darling. And I cried again and told C that being in love and building a love for someone is not easy. It takes time and effort and togetherness for love to happen. And it did with J. I found love with J. And C starting being very mad at me and saying he wish that I stop hurting myself becoz it hurts him to c me like this. He said he never cared for anyone so much like this before. I told C that I dont want to be caught like this, C keep insisting on being more than a friend. And I say I cant. I cant start something when now I have something unresolved.
I told C I love J too much to let go the things that we have built together. Every little thing count to me. The effort we put in counted for me, the time J spend his time with me in melbourne counted for me, the time me and J stayed together in one house counted for me, the time J started being accepted in my family counted to me. The time J got a car from his dad, counted for me. The time J had problems and we slowly resolve it together, counted for me. The time J started working and learning about the world, counted for me. The time J was always there for me in my studies and with his own little way do things for me like staying up together with me until I finish my assignment, cook maggie for me when I was hungry in melbourne, it all counted for me. The money we both slowly saved, counted dearly to me, The plans we made for the future for the comfort of us, counted very much for me.The little promises J made to me although to the world is no biggie, but to me...it counted for me and I always patiently await for that promises to come someday.I told C that all this little little things counted for me and no one understood this things that me and J had.
J may not be the riches in the world,not the most handsome guy in the world, not the most romantic guy in the world, but what J had with me be it little or small is enuff to knock those criteria off for me. I dont need all of those. No money, always can find. Not handsome, always can modify, Not romantic, always can learn. C then held my hands and softly said to me " J's really important to you huh? Slowly k my dear, it takes time and I hope to J your someone special to him too because I havent hear a girl can utter such words like this before in my life. Girls that I know are materialistic and demanding." I wish those hands were J somehow.
C then asked me, what will you do to change for the better in you for the relationship? The first thing that Ive said while tears are heavily flowing down is..........to change how I speak to J before. I shouldnt have been so harsh just because of love. It is not the way to show love to someone. I wish to change for the better for J and for myself. Love gets the better of me and sometimes out of too caring, i blurted words that I shouldnt have said and things I shouldnt have done. Being in love at 21 n above, its totally different from high school. In high school, one can be naive and to be honest doesnt know what love really means. But now I know.
Love is when you want to see that person everyday even though the routine repeats again and again.
Love is when watever you do for him/her, it was always out of free will.
Love is when you want to change for the better for that person you love.
Love is when you want to learn something new to keep the magic alive.
Love is when you plan things together and earn that hardship together and pull it through together.
Love is when both person would want to be together for better or for worst.
I hope C understand what Im going through. I hope someday I will be able to repay back C kindness. C tells me he care for me too much and will wait for me as long as he can. I keep telling C not to wait because I have things that is not resolve and I wish to wait for J's return. He says Im stupid but I say its out of Love. I believe me and J gone through so much in our relationship. From being apart in different continent, from family, from work n studies, from financial, from cheating, from hurtful arguments and words and from breaking up....I believe god was testing our love for each other and how much we both can stretch that extra mile, so that in the end we know that our love is pure and strong and nothing else in the future can ever bring us down.
I miss J so so much.
-S-
