Its been almost 2 weeks now since I last told J how I felt. And today we talked again and I told J I gave him time to think about us and is it worth it that we give it another try. I do not know at this stage if J consider of the time Ive given him. At some point he tells me he will think about it and at some point he ask me to move on. Im having such a mixed feeling and I dont know wat to do. I wish he take the time to think about us and about everything else. Why cant we give it another try?
I only left 3weeks here in melbourne and whatever I can do, I will do now even if it will take me another heartbreak once again but I dont care because I love J very much that if he ask me to die for him I will. And thats the extend of my love for him, be it before and even now.
A few days back, i was shopping alone for my cny clothing and tears start to fall again...same time last 2 years we both will go get cny stuff together. I would be the one choosing the colour of his undies for him and we would walk hand in hand buying those things together and choosing clothes for one another. But this year is different, Im walking alone and the silence I have is so pain that it felt like a million knife stab my heart over and over again. As I walked through the men's department, without thinking I went to buy stuff for J. I know its silly and crazy but to me cny is all about new things to usher the new year to have proporous year ahead. And because again of love, I decided to get those things for him so that he will have a new good year ahead. But when I texted him, he say he cannot accept it. My heart fall down and get step on again and I finally convince him to take it.
I havent gave him the things Ive bought, but how come Im so silly? How come with the amount of coldness he treats me yet I still miss him and love him as if none of those words affected me? Is this what I have to endure in love? Sigh....I really do not know at this point. All I can do is do be patient and wait for his answer and do as much as I can before I leave to melbourne where I would be paralyze and do nothing but wait another 4months till I return.
Im afraid to see him even how much my heart and mind wants to see him dearly. Im afraid when I c him, I cant help bt to cry again and wish that he will hug me and tell me those 3 impossible words. I dont think he cares for me anymore, but why do I still wait? For wat? Another heartache? Guess I deserve it. Sigh.
Yet another day without J by myside.
-S-
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