Tday after so long Ive got to talk to J for half an hour or so. Really makes me miss him even more. We spoke on a couple of things but one things for sure that made me upset was. J thinks that if we get back together this time, he would still be him. And no that didnt upset me, what upset me was he thinks that I fall for him because of something else. Doesnt he knows that I loved him for him? For how simple his attitude, lifestyle and life is? The day I met J, I know he's someone tht is simple and no doubt with my constant complain, I did try to do the things he liked. But I guess J never sees that. He thinks Im full of colour and want him tht way too but he doesnt know is that I would rather do the things together at home than going out. Maybe after so long he doesnt know me that well.
And another thing he said was tht how come now only I wanna go his house bt when we were together I didnt wanna go. Still he doesnt know is tht if I go over his place he has to drive me home after tht and its not safe for me to drive myself home after midnight. So instead of making him driving me home, might aswell come over my place and stay over. Doesnt he knows I was being considerate of his tiredness and knowing he has to go to work the next day? If I could stay over at his place, i think many of you will know that I would stay over at his place. Sigh.
Right now, whatever I say or do, I dont think he will ever know because he has stopped loving me. And why foolishly Im still doing stuff? You see, when you love someone soo deep, it doesnt matter that person hates you or disgust by you, you would still in your little own ways do things for them as long as you can no doubt it hurts like hell that person doesnt care.
I was so sad today than i drove and stopped near the side of the road and started crying. Then my phone rang and I tot it was J but when I took the phone I saw it was C. Imediately C knew I was crying and told me to drive home and he'll wait for me. So I drove home and 5mins after dat C came. I told C not to come coz he was busy preparing for his project proposal tmw morning but he insist of coming. He then came and ask me to wipe my tears and touch up my make up and ask me to get in the car. I hesitate for 15mins and finally I said ok.
In the car I asked him where is he taking me, He said he's taking me somewhere where I can throw all my heartache away. After much winding up the hill, I saw this hill that has a restaurant on top of it. Came down from the car and he took me below the restaurant. The scenery was breath taking and it blew me away. So I sat there and C told me to tell him wat happen. When I look at the scenery of KL, my heart aches for J and wishing that J would be beside me to c this. Than I got interupted by C voice.....and then slowly I told him bits and pieces of what me and J talked about and again started crying. He told me that all I need is time and he hope that J would realise how beautiful I am to him than I laughed and said 'if J thinks im beautiful that would be the day I would be married to J".
C is a real nice guy and why am I not falling for him? He has everything Ive been looking for but how come I still miss and love J so much? C says that he can tell that I really love J alot and that usually after few months people would move on but how come I cant? He also says that whatever I do, all I can think about was....How J is? Is he ok? Hows his work? Is he ok? And then C say that he would give up everything to be in J's shoe right now....and I say....maybe once u know me and see that im whinny and protective than u wouldnt want to be in his shoes. C laughed. But all I could think about was J. Its been 4months since I knew C and yet of many things he had done for me to show that he cares....all I ever think about was J and wishing and hoping J would come back to me.
J say that if there is faith, then faith will lead us back together someday. And for me yes faith does come but if you do not know how to catch it, it will fade. Like when I first talked to J was when I send a smiley message to him on friendster and he replied. It shows faith is always around us, bt if we dont initiate to do anything about it, it doesnt matter a million faith comes along, it will never happen.
I wish I could spend another valentines with J. When I think about it, it hurts because I know J would be spending it with someone else instead of me.
Yet another day without J by my side.
-S-
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