My heart still ache. C bought me ice cream today during his lunch hour just because I said I woke up crying today. Thank him alot but I wish it was J who did tht for me. I know its impossible now for J to do such a thing.
Time right now pass by like some bloody funeral time, and its killing me like hell. Another part of me is dying inside. 6months ago a part of me died and now slowly another part of me dying aswell. Words cant express the lvl of emotions I feel. J said Im confused and I dunno what I want. I know what I want, it has always been J. I thought back of the countless of arguments we went through, the guys that came along the way and tried to kao me, all also I rejected and it has always been J all along. I couldnt imagine anyone else aside from J be it before and even now. If only J realise how much he meant to me and Im not confused. Maybe someday when he understands we can start again anew.
Dearest C,
I hope you understand what am I going through. I dont want to hurt you and you are a really great guy who deserve so much more then this. I know you have started to read my blog and no dont say you never, caught you once on ur BB. Its been almost 4 months now since we've met and you have been a wonderful guy to me and I know you choose to wait for me until Im ready but I dont think I ever will. Im still hoping tht there is hope between me n J. I know you understand what im going through but I dont want to hurt you. Along the way if someone appear in your life, go for it C. You deserve much better than having to wait for me to heal. Its been 6months now and I still havent heal. Usually it takes me 2-3 months and Im done and over with but somehow this particular heartache that Im going through is different. The lvl of hopes and dreams and sacrifies that Ive made in that relationship was big and large at every scale. I thought J was my soul mate. So I do hope you dont wait for me. Its been 2 months since you told me about your feeling and you dont care how long it takes, you'll wait. I apreciate that C. But I do hope if you have happiness please grab it and dont wait for me.
-S-
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