February 27, 2010

All I can do

Ive been trying and trying
But how come things still feel the same?
Is it really me or is things just feel complicated?
Ive spend nights thinking about it and to be honest, it felt like strangers
It felt like we're living in 2 different world.
It no longer felt like we're as one.
I wanna scream and shout.....but all I can do is just sit there and wait
Awaiting for that very moment.

-S-

Bruise ankle anyone?

Its been such a tiring day today.
Firstly went to St Michael Grammer school in chapel street coz my cousin wants to change her school there.
Its so nice compare to Msia school....Namely because the subjects.
They had the main subjects like maths english and such and then students get to picked out 3 more classes of their interest in different fields.

What caught my eyes was Music and production, drama, and everything else that's got to do with Performing arts. Immediately I missed school and if I were to be given a chance...I would be such a happy kid with those subjects hehe...Anyways I had an accident today and I almost yes...almost....banged someone car and it was a C class....haih....That idiot just jam break all of the sudden when I was shifting my lane to the right and with that I jam break and shift to a corner and the passenger side was 1cm close to the C class bumper. I got stunt and my legs went numb. Luckily there wasnt cars behind tht followed me if not sure habis one whole lane. Came home after that only to realise tht my ankle got twisted...Must have been me breaking or somewhat Im not sure...bt its becoming worst....My ankle seems bruise and pain and I cant walk properly. Stupid driver...!

Bathed Melody today and my my she smells nice now....She's grown so so big and somehow...Im not like any religious blogger who post pictures at every post....Im lazy haha....will show you Melody when I have the time to upload on my laptop haha. Other than tht, my dad cousin came with his family and tmw morning gonna bring them to eat breakfast...blerh....Im so lazy...I wonder if I can wake up ahaha.

Hope tmw my ankle would feel much better.....damn damn damn.....i wanna go shopping tmw also cannot....leg fucked up like this...haih...

Anyways off to bed now....Silly J havent called me yet...I wonder if he's already home....Missing J already.

-S-

February 26, 2010

!

Is it me?
Am I being too sensitive?
I do not know anymore

February 25, 2010

I need you

How come it feels like Im the only one in love.
Im so afraid of saying or telling him things in case he might think im being persistent.
Sigh.....
It felt he din care as he used to nor he wants to show tht he cares.
I feel alone.
Is it too soon to judge? Do he still really miss me now tht Im far away?

.......................................................................I miss him very much.
I miss how he used to call me each morning he awakes & how each night he calls me to chat & say goodnite
I miss how he is mad when I dont call or text him even how busy I am
I miss how his voice sound like whenever i call him
I miss how he says "Hi darling" in those exited manner.
I really miss all of tht very much and most importantly I miss him very very much.
I wonder if he miss doing all those to me?

Melbourne Melbored

Hello Melbourne,

Did you miss me? I sure hell I didnt miss you hahaha......
Yes people Im home in d land of bloody ang mo country. I only miss the weather here haha.
Just finish unpacked, bath and eat....now im doozing off before my four legged daughter will be home and i wont have time to rest....
Missing someone already :(

-S-

February 21, 2010

Cousins and growing up

3more days till Im leaving to melbourne once again.
Somehow this 3 months here in KL felt like the longest most hurtful days of my life.
It felt like 3 years instead of 3 months back in KL this time around.

I have so much todo before I leave for melbourne and somehow why didnt I do all of this before hand.
I somehow feel useless and again rush last minute things...aiyorrrr.....
Part of me cant wait to go back to melbourne so that I can leave all this bad memories in KL behind for a bit, but another part of me "mm se tak"/ tak sanggup to leave KL because Ive meet so many nice crazy insane friends that have been around for the past 3 months with me.

Tday us cousins went paintball game and it felt nice and kind of reminded me of our childhood. When we were small, we were so so close together but as we grew up...everyone went their seperate ways and thinking arent the same. We became adults, we think more deeper, we have our own life, career, bf/gf and never like before when we know nothing but fun and laughter and when is our next sleepover at grandma's house or who's aunt house this time to have sleepover. I can remember each school holiday we would all gather at our grandma's house and stayed there for 3 days or sometimes a week and we had tons of fun.

Back then our grandma still runs a kindergarten and she has this big ass bungalow where classes commence below and upstairs is where the bedrooms were. So we had a big big big enormous garden to run around, classes to play pretend, countless of rooms to play and a big ass balcony above to play and have night chit chats. Grandma use to have all the sport equipment too so we could play "pass the bean bag" or holla hoops or sack jumping and many other school stuff to play. So our time at our grandma place was always full of our own made up activities among the cousins and we would decide which room we should sleep in each night or nap time. Than most night, grandma and grandpa would bring us out to dinner or go jalan jalan and then we will all come back home and grandma will make us supper before we all curl in our grandma's room and tuck each others in and sleep.

I miss those time we had when we thought nothing but seeing the cousins for sleepover and seeing our grandma and grandpa. I wish right now even how old we are or even if we are married and have our own life, despite the uncles being an arse, I just wish we could all gather as cousins and think nothing but fun and laughter. Today was one of the days that I wish we had more often.

Anyways, pictures of today will be uploaded later on...Im tooo sleepy...After paintball we all went back home and nap and then we went for karaoke after tht. Majority of the cousins didnt be able to make it but it doesnt matter....we shall organize again another time when Im back from Melbourne.

YouKnowYouLoveMe,
-S-

February 20, 2010

Morning Malaysia

Its freaking 730am and I havent wake up this early since I got back from Melbourne!
If you ask why am I up this early is becoz..........
WE'RE GOING PAINTBALL!!

Yes no doubt Im still scared of the pain that will cause me, yet my itchy butt wants to play haha.
Update you pictures later.

YouKnowYouLoveMe,
-S-

February 19, 2010

New year new me?

Chinese New Year this year came and gone like the wind.
And that picture is one fugly pic my cousin took.
Should ask him to take more of me. His skill is not bad hehe. Kudos Chris

In a few days more Im going back to the land called Melbored.
Im going back to the land where I can forget all my worries here in kl and become a better person.
Its been a hectic 3months since Ive came back and none of them was suprising.
Am not gonna bored you with all the boring love shit and my past.
Ive decided to MOVE ON and leave everything behind and inside the closet.
No longer need to open it and be heartbroken.
Instead a new chapter of my life has just begun.

Today and from now on, it will be the old Sam again.
Ever ready to go on a new adventure and seek what I can be able todo now since Im single.

There are many guys out there who wants me, but only one will be able to break down this walls of mine.
And I wonder who will tht be?
But for now, I enjoy being what I am now and being able to do things I couldnt do before.

Tmw is cousin's day out at the paintball field.
Cant wait, perhaps clubbing at night? haha.

YouKnowYouLoveMe,
-S-

February 18, 2010

Sam, your stupid

C suprise me today.
He took me out and I thought it was just a normal dinner.
Little did I know he took me to shook and we had dinner there.
He said to me " I know your unhappy with wat J told you today, but i hope that i can give you what J couldnt give",
I couldnt help but smile knowing that someone still think of me and want to make me smile.
And I said...."ok...lets enjoy the night".
We talked alot today...about everything and about the future. Honestly....C is a very stable and romantic and giving guy. At times I feel bad for him but he always remind me to take my time and he knows someday I can give him the world. He said that I can love someone who has nothing and whole heartdly forgo everything to be with that person. He said a girl like me dont come by often. He say he wants to win my love and he will do watever it takes to be wif me. At a point I feel like Im on cloud 9 knowing that someone loves me so much in order to this for me, but another part of me wishing that it was Jonas who said those words to me, that Jonas was the one who want to give the relationship a chance and to find back the love for me. But sadly its not Jonas and from now onwards I will not think of Jonas. Because no matter what I do Jonas cant c it. He dont even want to give our love another try so why shud I go through all this heartache for someone who cannot give me something as so simple as LOVE.

Im afraid to give C a chance. I want to but at the same time Im afraid of getting hurt again. Because.....Im selfish and right now I only want to think of myself and make sure no one hurt me again. 3 years ago , I foolishly let someone break down those walls I built, and that person did not and will not love me. I dont want to be foolish again.

-S-

February 16, 2010

Suprises??

Tday went karaoke with my cousins and we had a blast.
Its been a long time since we all gather and meet up.
Should do it more often.

After karaoke, i went to c my frens for yumcha and suddenly I saw a M6 drove pass....I didnt notice the car plate, than suddenly someone came from behind and close my eyes.....The smell of the perfume I imediately knew who it was.......It was him :)

He told my frens not to tell me that he came and suprise me all the way from PJ....Just to come to rampai old town and c me....hahahahaha....i feel like cloud 9. Its so nice when someone purposely come and suprise you like this. Than it was his first time meeting my other friends. It went well and we chated and he send me home. He told me he was glad to see me and ask me if I was glad.....I just smiled. Deep down I am happy bt sad at the same time becoz I miss J so so much. Sigh.......

Tmw gonna go to honda to pick up the car that daddy bought for J previously. Sigh I knw its gonna kill me seeing that car and knowing that I cant sit that car when J is driving it. Told daddy to maybe pass that car to my grandma n change her car or something. I just dont want to see it at all.

Anyways, wanna go wash up now....Just got home...
Happy CNY to everyone too....

-S-

February 15, 2010

Puzzles

From now on I will not post anything about that person anymore.
Its a waste of time.
If he thinks that Im not worth his time or chance than just tell it to my face. Why cant he?
I dont want to hear all that MOVE ON CRAP......Just tell me YOU DONT DESERVE A CHANCE. Thats all!

Haih.....
Anyways.....C bought me puzzle as my V day present. I was surpise that somewhere out there, someone still care for me. The puzzle is very unique and Im gonna fixed it and frame it up and present back to C. I hope he will be surpised as well....its a 500 piece puzzle and I hope I can finish it in 2days.

 Am trying to be happy. Am trying not to be sad.

Waiting for you.

U ask me to wait,
I will wait.
U ask me to give u space,
I will give.
U ask me to chill,
Im chilling.
U ask me to give u time,
Im giving

But at least during this wait,space,time....show me something...a progression if its doing well or not. If its going somewhere or just heading to "I DONT WANT TO BE WIF U....F OFF".

Do you like it if Im doing this to you? Or do you like it when someone you love so so much and wanting to know if you could have that second chance do this to you? Im sure it will be dreadfull for you and its d same for me. I hope you for once despite ur confuse, sit and think where this is heading. Its already been 5days yet its still AVOIDING.

Right now, Im lost for words to ask for your forgiveness.
Im lost at every angle not knowing what is going on in us and where will this take us too?
I have no signal from you. No progression from you show the least something.
All I get is.....AVOID AVOID AVOID....Ok la....Im busy....Im not free...I dont have the time.
Can you look at me in the eyes and talk to me and tell me?
We used to always sit and talk and make a solution together because we cared so much on each other. Is it the same now?
Did you carefully thought about us and whats going to happen in this matter?
Will we or will we not give it a try?

I can only talk to myself and write to myself.
No matter how much I scream or cry. There is no answer from the other side.
Your happy going through ur everyday life and Im here thinking how long more should I see a signal from you?

February 13, 2010

I miss u

I was going through my old untouched profile in friendster and I was seeing J's profile and I saw this photo :

How I miss those times.
I wonder if J still remember this tiny little memory of us?
Will we ever revive back this sweet memory or create new ones?

Tong Tong Tong Chiang!!

Dear Readers,
Its time to not keep writting sad stuff for once and focus on whats coming.

For those celebrating CNY,
HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR & HAVE A PROSPOROUS YEAR AHEAD

For you loved ones out there,
HAPPY VALENTINES DAY

This remind me each year chinese new year me and J would have our ritual. One the first day of CNY, we would exchange picture of each other that day to see how we look like all dress up and hype for the day. How I miss doing that with him.

And V day reminded me of the last V day we had....I cooked for him my speciality and we had a nice dinner for 2 together than we went to join my parents for ice cream and then for movies and down to pulse bar with his family. I wonder if we didnt break up, what would our V day would be this year?
Ive thought before, I was thinking that this year I would again cook for him and bake us a cake and rent a dvd and cosily watch in my room till we fall asleep. Sadly it can only be my imagination now.

Once again, thank you all for your kind support and Happy CNY n Happy V day to each and everyone of you out there.

-S-

February 12, 2010

Sick? Invisible? Rubbish?

I woke up today with bad throat, flu, cough and fever. The cough is so bad tht i cough blood. Should I see a doctor?
Immediately I took all kinds of medicine just so I could be ok and hoping that I can be ok to go dinner with J.
But as I have guessed correctly once again......J rejected me.

Im done hoping for J to go out with me and start things again.
Its no use. He has forgotten everything about us and what we had.
To him is nothing but old rubbish that doesnt need to be around his mind.

So much for thinking that he will go out wif me today and thinking tht he will give us a chance.
Why is tht so many guys before done bad things to me when we broke up and i never once looked back but J, he makes me love him so much even how much cold words he pours on me or how harshly he done things to me.

Sometimes I wish not to be like this.

Invisible

Im nothing but invisible to you.

No matter what I do or what I say, it only bypass you.
When I call you, all I get is either screams of "why keep calling?" or "Im busy, talk to you later" But those later never seems to come. Those later never exists. You dont even bother to return any of my calls or my text and when I ask its always in a very loud tone " I cant be texting you the whole time right, or Im just so busy la today". Does 1 respond of text means the whole time?

When you see me call or text, what is your feeling J? Is it..." Haih she again" or " What she want this time". Does my text and calls to you is just like another annoying messages from maxis? Does your heart even screams for exitment anymore when you see me or when i text or call? I can answer for you.....NO. If not you would gladly text me and keep the conversation going. You would gladly continue talking to me and asking how's my day instead of "Ok la, i want todo my own things". My conversation on the phone with you is only I ask, you answer and then within seconds " Ok la. I got to go". Each time I call you, I need to think 1000 times what to ask you what to talk to you what should I say. Its like Im talking to an answering machine now thats on replay.

Sigh....with so much obvious signals why am I still waiting at this cliff? I SHOULD JUST JUMP! But somehow or rather, I still await at the top of a cliff awating for you to come and save me and tell me that Im your all. Right now J, If you dont want to save me......just tell me. Even how harsh or hurt the words maybe it doesnt matter. Tell me that your with someone now and that your heart belongs to someone and that you want to built this new journey with her. Tell me all of this so one shot kill my heart for me and I wont blame you instead I will thank you for telling me the truth.

Im nothing but invisible to you.

I asked J for dinner tmw, for the first time he didnt reject. Instead he said " See how". I wonder will J text me to say yes for dinner tmw.......but my feelings tell me that he will reject me again.

Its been 4days since I had proper sleep. When I sleep, all I could hear was J's angry voice telling me that Im lonely and that I ruin his life and that he has move on. I wake up each morning with my heart beat racing and once again hearing J's voice over and over again......The only time I can sleep well is when I take sleeping medicine. I cant torture my life like this anymore. I really miss him so much it hurts to the core of my soul. The saddest thing J said to me was 'Ur too lonely", but I still forgave him.

But Sam.......

Im nothing but Invisible to J.

February 11, 2010

Love is like a box of chocolate.

As Im awake at this silent midnight. The wind is blowing outside so calmly and I can see the bright moon again shinning down at me. While acompanied by the silentness of the outside world, Im in my room fixing my 2000 piece puzzle. As I fixed those little puzzle, I start to shed tears again. It felt as if Im fixing my own heart bit by bit with care and attention. I couldnt help but to wonder about J and about all the things we talked about yesterday. Will things ever be the same again? Is he happy with her? Does she make him happy? Am I not worth it?

And then I start to wonder, does this break up and messy things that have happen so far has make us realise that we still love and miss each other so much? Teresa told me, maybe after this hardship god has given you and J so that if we can go through this strongly no matter how much battle have been fought only we learn to really treasure this relationship. So much thoughts been running through my mind after the conversation. J said he's confused and I do not know what exactly J wants. All I can do is wait. But why J needs to be confuse? Doesnt he knows that he have someone and that he's happier? 2days ago I told myself to let go, but today Im back to square one, thinking and thinking and hoping again. Should I let J go? Should I let go of everything we built?

Fought with C today when I came home. C tells me why am I so stupid and so blind and not seeing the real picture and that accept the fact J have someone else, J have already replace me to her as his darling. And I cried again and told C that being in love and building a love for someone is not easy. It takes time and effort and togetherness for love to happen. And it did with J. I found love with J. And C starting being very mad at me and saying he wish that I stop hurting myself becoz it hurts him to c me like this. He said he never cared for anyone so much like this before. I told C that I dont want to be caught like this, C keep insisting on being more than a friend. And I say I cant. I cant start something when now I have something unresolved.

I told C I love J too much to let go the things that we have built together. Every little thing count to me. The effort we put in counted for me, the time J spend his time with me in melbourne counted for me, the time me and J stayed together in one house counted for me, the time J started being accepted in my family counted to me. The time J got a car from his dad, counted for me. The time J had problems and we slowly resolve it together, counted for me. The time J started working and learning about the world, counted for me. The time J was always there for me in my studies and with his own little way do things for me like staying up together with me until I finish my assignment, cook maggie for me when I was hungry in melbourne, it all counted for me. The money we both slowly saved, counted dearly to me, The plans we made for the future for the comfort of us, counted very much for me.The little promises J made to me although to the world is no biggie, but to me...it counted for me and I always patiently await for that promises to come someday.I told C that all this little little things counted for me and no one understood this things that me and J had.

J may not be the riches in the world,not the most handsome guy in the world, not the most romantic guy in the world, but what J had with me be it little or small is enuff to knock those criteria off for me. I dont need all of those. No money, always can find. Not handsome, always can modify, Not romantic, always can learn. C then held my hands and softly said to me " J's really important to you huh? Slowly k my dear, it takes time and I hope to J your someone special to him too because I havent hear a girl can utter such words like this before in my life. Girls that I know are materialistic and demanding." I wish those hands were J somehow.

C then asked me, what will you do to change for the better in you for the relationship? The first thing that Ive said while tears are heavily flowing down is..........to change how I speak to J before. I shouldnt have been so harsh just because of love. It is not the way to show love to someone. I wish to change for the better for J and for myself. Love gets the better of me and sometimes out of too caring, i blurted words that I shouldnt have said and things I shouldnt have done. Being in love at 21 n above, its totally different from high school. In high school, one can be naive and to be honest doesnt know what love really means. But now I know.

Love is when you want to see that person everyday even though the routine repeats again and again.
Love is when watever you do for him/her, it was always out of free will.
Love is when you want to change for the better for that person you love.
Love is when you want to learn something new to keep the magic alive.
Love is when you plan things together and earn that hardship together and pull it through together.
Love is when both person would want to be together for better or for worst.

I hope C understand what Im going through. I hope someday I will be able to repay back C kindness. C tells me he care for me too much and will wait for me as long as he can. I keep telling C not to wait because I have things that is not resolve and I wish to wait for J's return. He says Im stupid but I say its out of Love. I believe me and J gone through so much in our relationship. From being apart in different continent, from family, from work n studies, from financial, from cheating, from hurtful arguments and words and from breaking up....I believe god was testing our love for each other and how much we both can stretch that extra mile, so that in the end we know that our love is pure and strong and nothing else in the future can ever bring us down.

I miss J so so much.

-S-

February 10, 2010

Love sick

Y is it two person can say so much hurtful words to each other? Is it becoz of love? That they cant do anything but show this sort of love?

For me,
Im so mad and sad that hurtful words keep coming out from my mouth. Yes I am evil and words are damn painful but I dont mean them. I love you so much that it hurts me to the core. Cny is coming and Im sick as ever and I wish he was by my side. I can get so angry and so in love at the same time to a point i think im going nuts.

Dear god please help me.
I cant do this anymore.

-S-

February 8, 2010

11 missed call

I woke up feeling shitty today.........
Look at my phone and I saw 11 miss call from C.
I tot wat happen.
Called him and the first thing he said was " RU OK? WHY CALL SO MANY TIMES DIN ANSWER?"
I couldnt help but to laugh abit and then he said " Funny le?......Im worried sick coz U dint pick up"
And I told him I was asleep didnt hear the phone ring ma...somemore so tired after aerobics i terus kong.

Its funny how that someone who is not your bf is so kind and giving to you. And somehow or rather, you wish, if only the other person that you were thinking about was this caring to you and was the one that called you 11 times in a row. Sadly it wasnt. Though I feel nice having someone to care for me like this, I wish it was J that was doing all this.

And then I remembered how J used to care for me when we first dated. I remmeber there was a time he went for bouldering competition and he texted me saying that his hands is so numb the only thing he can do is just to text me. I felt like cloud 9 imediately, knowing that this guy can do that for me.

I feel bad for C at times becoz he's tooo nice and too perfect for me. And I dun think I can give him that amount of love he deserves. If only my heart no longer has J inside than maybe I would give C my all. But for now I cant. Everyday I wish J's by my side. I wish J was here to listen to my stupid complains and about how silly i look like when i go for aerobics. But J doesnt care to know what Im doing at all.

Maybe it's time to move on?

-S-

February 7, 2010

Wht does it means?

The look on ur face when I text you, What does it means?
The look on ur face when I ask you to grab me a chair, what does it means?
The stare you give me, what does it means?

Isit annoying? Isit hatred? Isit nonsense?
How come the looks on ur face when you see me now is no longer the same?
How come is full of anger, annoying and pissed off?
Y isnt there anymore smile or miss on tht face anymore?

I miss you so much and being around you is a mixed of sad and happy.
I wish tht my happiness comes back again.....
With you.

February 5, 2010

I dont want to count anymore days.......how much I count, you will never return back

There's nothing I could say to you.
Nothing I could ever do,
To make you see,
What you mean to me.

All the pain & tears Ive cried,
Still you never come my side,
And now I know,
How far you go.

I know I let you down, Its not like that now.
This time I'll never let you go.
I will be, All that you want
And get myself together,
To keep you from falling apart & All my life,
I only want to be with you forever and To get you through the day & make everything ok.

I thought that I had everything,
I didnt know what life can bring,
Now I can see honestly,
Your the one thing I got right,
The only one that I let inside my heart,
Now I can breathe, coz ur here with me

I know I let you down, I hope someday I can turn it all around.
And this time I will never let you go.

-S-

February 4, 2010

Emotions

Emotions today : LIKE SHIT!
Wish that I never knew you because you left me speechless.

February 2, 2010

Dearest forever

I never want to hurt you.
I never want to be parted.
I hope you understand, the level of love that I have for you.
Without you life is meaningless.
Life to me now has no direction and above all without your love, life is nothing to me.

I hope someday you will come back to me.
So that once again we can go on this wonderful journey together as I always promise and tell you since the day we met.
For now, I wish we both take a moment to reflect everything that has happen and is it worth it to think about it for future?

Ive done nothing but love you and thats all tht matters.

-S-