Does it matters anymore.

Its 2am now and im sitting in my room thinking of what has happen in my life lately.
Does it matters anymore?

Does it matters anymore when someone you love can lie to you?
Does it matters anymore when the one you used to trust, you dont anymore?
Does it matters anymore when your love is different now?
Does it all matters anymore when you think he is telling the truth but in fact maybe he could be lying?

Love is such a big thing and when someone finally understand what love is, till then when someone understand it, it is when someone is mature and grown up and everything he/she does/do, they will know how the other person would/will feel. Like in the bible says " Above all....love conquers all" Does it even mean anything to you? Well I do. It does conquers all because despite of anything and everything, love itself made me stay with you.

Its been almost a month now and I still cant rub the fact that its already over and I have to let it go.....but i still cant. Each night i sleep i think of you, each morning i wake up i think of you. I think if you are really sleeping when you said you were, I think if you are really working when you said you were, I think if you are really playing your game when you said you were. Nothing satisfy my answers to those questions. It hurts so badly each day.

I hate the idea that i have to be insecure all the time.
I hate the fact that i have to see your phone and be suspicious all the time.
I hate the fact that i have to cry each time i think about it and why your still around.
I hate the fact that she still emails you even if its a forwarded email.
I hate the fact that your soo protective over your email password to be given to me.
I hate the fact that Im in such a pain.

But.....Does it even matters anymore?

Will you feel hurt when you see me hurting?
Will you feel the pain when you see me in pain?
Will you cry when you see me cry?
Will you even bother if im still insecure?

Sometimes I feel you do but sometimes I feel you dont. Instead whenever my fear comes to me, I tell you, you raise your voice and talk to me as if non of it matters to you and you want to shrug it away so that you can pretend it didnt happen.

Or........ is this all a play pretend game your playing on me?

I have never feel so insecure in my life
I have never feel so much pain in my life
I have never feel so stupid in my life

I wonder, will my love ever be the same again? Or will it still be like this. I want to let it go but i cant and you cant even protect me from being hurt once again and you have made me weaker and fragile instead of making me stronger and solid.

On Dec 6th 2008, we celebrated our 2nd anniversary. Everything seems so sureal to me and there i was sitting with you having our dinner we once had before 1 year ago. It felt with happiness and at the same time sadness. I sat there, feeling all of my feelings...good, bad but mostly i feel very hurt. I wish I could tell you that night but I couldnt.

Nothing change at that restaurant. The food, the ambiance, the music was all the same as we both sat there 1 year ago. But what changed was US.

I sat there thinking....what went wrong, what changed us? 1 year ago, i sat at the same restaurant you brought me to for my birthday, and it was the sweetest most amazing night i had and it felt with lots and lots of love from you. I wonder where it all went?

This time it felt as if there is a big hole stopping us from reaching to each other. It felt different, it didnt fill the gap with love this time.

I wish one fine day you would sit down and tell me whats going on and what are you thinking. I couldnt read your expression anymore and each time it felt as if im in a circus, seeing all this clowns portraing not themself,but painting their expression over a mask on their face. Its not the same anymore.

What do you see when you think of me?
What do you feel when you think of me?

It felt very meaningless with you nowadays. You have no love nor expression when your with me. You have never been like this 1 year ago. You will always talk to me nonstop over serious or even jokes. You will show me you loved me in every little way you do.

Or maybe........

Things just have changed among us.